Saturday, May 24, 2008

Ticks, Lizards and Rock Concerts

I found another tick on me today. I hate those things! Fortunately, they are really big in Thailand and easy to spot, but still annoying to pry out.

Another lizard fell on me today. This time I was sitting at my computer when it fell from the ceiling and landed on my arm. Not quite as shocking as last time when I was laying in bed and one fell on my face! They make this loud slapping sound when they hit and it is really quite alarming!

I'm off to MC a rock concert tonight. Me, your introverted, country music loving friend, MCing a rock concert. How do I get myself into these things? :)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Complete, Not Nit Noy!

Today I am contemplating the fact that I am complete in God. Not halfway complete or almost good enough, but fully and completely who I am supposed to be in God.

I have this annoying habit of feeling nit noy (small) and totally inept at random times. It doesn't seem to matter how old I get (29 in two weeks), I still manage to feel like a child who can't quite reach high enough (no height jokes, please), walk fast enough, or keep from stumbling over my own feet.

The other day one of my friends saw me leading the youth group at church and she said, "Jen, I have been trying to tell you for over two years that you are a leader and you have been arguing with me. I just saw proof that you can do it so you are not allowed to argue with me anymore. Instead, let God use you." I just started laughing because she was right about the arguing.

I have this fear that I am not quite good enough to do certain things, like leading a group of people. And honestly, in my own strength, I am not nearly eloquent, coordinated or smart enough. But I am complete in God and that means that I can be a leader and I can do all the things that make me feel small and unimportant. I still can't reach high enough, walk fast enough or keep from stumbling (I've fallen down two flights of stairs in the past month), but I am good enough.

This week I am taking pictures at a leadership conference here in Chiang Mai. Several months ago I was asked to be the official photographer for this event and without hesitation I said yes. I love taking pictures so why not? This is the second event that I have been asked to take pictures at and the first one was a blast so I was very excited about this. However, when I walked into the conference room yesterday and saw all the people and the many important, well known speakers, I started to doubt myself. I am in no way a professional photography, I take pictures for fun and what if my photos were not good enough? At the end of the evening the man in charge approached me and told me that I had free reign over the rest of the conference. He said that I could get up on stage in the middle of the preaching or walk up and down the aisles or whatever I needed to do to get pictures. He said, "I want a lot of face shots of the people in the crowd, not the speakers. I've heard from several people that you are really good at face shots and that is why we asked you to come." There is nothing like a good compliment to build my confidence. I'm not trying to toot my own horn (maybe I am a little {God, forgive me}) but I came recommended, he had heard about me.

By the grace of God, I am complete. If I have enough faith, I can do anything I want. I love my God. Now if I would just stop trying to do things on my own first, life would be so much easier!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Age of Wisdom

I wish there were an age where you figure life out and understand yourself and those around you. Like maybe that age could be 40 and on days when life is dragging me down and completely confusing I could say, "Well, only 11 more years and it will all make sense." Those hard days would be so much easier to endure.

I can't seem to get control over my thoughts lately. I am over analyzing everything, making things more difficult than they need to be and worrying. I have been getting an average of two hours of sleep per night because I cannot turn my thoughts off. About once a week I crash and sleep for 12 hours straight because I am so exhausted and then I go back to about two hours a night. When I do sleep, I have crazy dreams about losing things like my dog, my purse or my boyfriend (I don't even have a boyfriend) and I spend hours looking for them.

I am currently trying to make a decision about going back to the states this summer and I am thinking about it way too much. My family is going a camping trip this summer for ten days and I am going to join them. I am very excited about being with my parents, sister, grandma and nephews for that time! I haven't seen my nephews in almost two years so I am especially excited about seeing them. While I am in the states, I am going to try and speak at churches and raise support for myself and The Centre. *If you go to a church that supports missionaries and might be interested in having me visit, let me know and I would love to come!*

The past few months, I have been feeling very mentally, physically and spiritually burnt out and I think that I would like to take some time for myself while I am away. A couple friends suggested going home for 6 months or so and recuperating. 6 months seems SO long though so they suggested 4 months. But even 4 months seems too long. I'm worried about several things happening during that time. 1) I am afraid that I will feel too disconnected when I do return to Thailand and in a sense will have to start over. 2) I am afraid that being away from this life I love will cause me to fall back into the depression that I fight against every day. I guess I am afraid that I am not strong enough. 3) I am afraid that I either won't want to or will be afraid to return. 4) I am afraid of disappointing God, myself and my supporters by being away from the ministry for too long. So, right now I am thinking of being in the states for 3 months. I will take a month and a half to two months raising support and a month for myself. My parents love the idea of me spending a month with them and I love the idea as well. But I just don't have peace yet.

I have a feeling that I am just thinking about it too much. Maybe I need to pray, make a decision and stick with it. It shouldn't be that big of a deal and it might not make sense to you, but I know that leaving Thailand for any significant amount of time will change my life. So I stress and I worry and I cry out to God and I lay awake at night for hours when I should be sleeping.

Well, only 11 more years and it will all make sense.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Daily Photo Blog

You can find Tam and I's daily photoblog here. It is called "8161 Miles Apart" and can be found at http://sisters.my-expressions.com/. Every day we will each take a picture and post them side by side on the photoblog. We might not actually post daily because the 15 hour time difference sometimes makes it hard to coordinate but check it out and bookmark it!

Cheers!

Crews

Day 3:

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

New Sister Project

Tamara and I have started a new project. Every day each of us will take at least one picture of something in our world and then we will post them side by side. This will show the differences and the similarities of our lives.

I am going to start a new blog to post them on but until then, I am going to use this blog.

Day 1:

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Almost You

Tamara just posted a blog titled, "Two Sisters" which left a big smile on my face and you should definitely go read it!

I love my sister more than Hagrid misses his mum!