He knows My Name

I just want to warn you that this is going to be one of those posts where I ramble on and write whatever comes to mind at that moment. Sometimes these posts are therapeutic for me because they help to organize my thoughts about a subject. Unfortunately for you, you get to try and peace together my thoughts. Or you could just skip this completely and put your brain to work doing something else productive. :)

I have been sick and last week the doctor ordered me to stay home and rest for a week. I'm not even allowed to drive so I am pretty much going crazy stuck in my house alone all the time. My roommate is out of town for the month so I don't even have her around to keep me sane. There is only so much sleeping that a person can do and the same goes for watching movies and surfing the net. Anyway, last night I was feeling frustrated with my current life state and I was exhausted because I hadn't slept much the night before, so my mood was not great. Aon and Ya came over to watch a movie and as soon as they got here, they started talking to me about my diet. The three us recently read "Eat Right For Your Blood Type" and it has gotten them started on a diet kick. My blood type is not supposed to eat pork or beef or chicken and is limited to a handful of fish. For the most part, this is fine because I love fish. But I live in a country where the main food staple is pork (in many different forms) and I really don't see myself not eating it. Anyway, they started talking to me about eating only fish for the next month and I pretended to cry and buried my face in a pillow. They both laughed at me and told me I could do it. A couple other things were said and Ya was laughing so hard that she was crying. Shortly after this, Aon left to run to the store and Ya got up to make some food. This left me alone in my living room and I started thinking which caused me to be silent. About ten minutes later, I walked into the kitchen and noticed that Ya looked really upset. I asked her what was wrong and she just burst into tears. She thought I wasn't talking because I was mad at her for laughing at me, which of course was ridiculous. I told her that I wasn't mad at her and the fact that she laughs at me is one of the things that makes me love her so much (completely true), but she didn't believe me. I stood there and hugged her for about ten minutes before she was able to catch her breath and stop crying. Of course right at that moment, Aon walked back in and asked what was wrong and Ya burst into tears again. Eventually I convinced her that all was well and I loved her.

However, this got me thinking. I am pretty likable person, I always have been. I've never been popular, but I've never really wanted to be and I like that people feel comfortable around me. I have never had enemies and I love that people come to me when they need someone to listen to them. (I should probably move on before I start tooting my own horn.) Several years ago when I was working at Amor, there was an incident with a co-worker that completely tore me up. I'd been working with this girl for a while and considered her a good friend. One day she told me that she needed to talk to me. We sat down and she proceeded to tell me that I was a mean person. She said that I purposefully said things to hurt her and that she didn't know if we could be friends anymore. I was shocked. No one had ever called me mean before and I would never do something to purposefully hurt someone! I asked her for examples of times that I had hurt her and she said that she didn't want to talk specifics. I was so much in shock that I simply said that I was so sorry for any hurt I had caused and I would try my hardest not to hurt her again. She left the room and I started crying so hard that I couldn't stop. Suddenly I had no clue who I was anymore. I started paying more attention to the things I said to others and tried to cut down on my sarcasm with anyone who might not understand it. But I have to admit that I never had a moment where I understood what she said. There was never a moment where I found myself agreeing with her assessment of me. Eventually I had to just put aside the words she said and the hurt she caused and decide that I was a nice person after all.

I hadn't thought about that conversation for a long time, until last night. How often do I say or do things that hurt other people, even though hurting them is not my intention? Especially now that I live in a country where cultural misunderstandings are a daily occurrence? I still think I am a nice person, God wouldn't have called me to love people if I wasn't good at it. But I wonder...

And then I find myself being brought back to that incident at Amor and I realize that I don't want to be dragged down into that place again where I am constantly worrying about hurting others. It is so much easier for me to love people when I can be myself and not worry.

I wrote this post in order to sort out my thoughts so that I could set this issue aside and I'm glad I did. I feel better already. Thanks for listening!