Honesty

I think that because I grew up a pastor's kid and was often in the spotlight at church, I have always felt the need to portray a stong spiritual life. I remember being a kid and having the elders at church tell me that I was not doing a good enough job setting a Christian example for the other kids at church. When I was in Junior High and High School, every once in awhile my dad would come home from an elders meeting with the latest news of what the elders thought I should do differently. I felt like I was attacked for every single mistake I made which was completely unfair because nobody is perfect. The worst part was that I was not a bad kid, to be honest I think that I was a pretty good kid. I never hung out with a bad crowd, never smoked a cigarrette, drank alcohol or did drugs. I always went to church, was active in the youth group and respected my parents. There were so many kids around me messing up and yet I was the one that people felt compelled to complain about at church. So, I learned how look and talk like I was leading a perfect Christian life. I am saddened by that.

Still today, years later I have a hard time admitting that my relationship with God is not where it should be. I had some time of self reflection this week and I came to the realization that I have become really lazy. I don't want to become one of those people who thinks Christianity is a title instead of a way of life and if my laziness continues, that is who I will become. I have not been reading my bible much or even talking to God much lately and I need to become more purposeful of doing those things. It is interesting to me that I am working for a ministry while preparing to move to Thailand and work for another ministry and yet my relationship with Christ is not where it should be. I feel like the devil has been attacking me for the past month and a half, ever since I made the decision to go to Thailand. One thing after another has gone wrong and I have been sitting and dwelling on the bad things. The worst part is that I always get annoyed when I have to sit and listen to people complain about how satan is attacking them. I totally believe that happens but I always want to tell them to stop complaining and let God help them out. And yet, in a moment of reflection I saw that I was becoming one of those people. I decided to start looking at the good things in my life instead and I have a lot of good things around me. God is performing miracles in my life and I need to stay focused on them. Yesterday a friend sent $500 of support in for my trip to Thailand. That is a miracle!

I have to go to a meeting but pray for me to always work on my relationship with my Christ. Thanks! Have a great day!

Carl's Jr.

My alarm went off this morning at 5am. I think that alarms should be programmed not to work before 7am, anything earlier is ungodly. I hit snooze 5 times before rolling out of bed at 5:30am. After rushing to get ready, I left the house at 6am so that I could be at Carl's Jr. at 6:30am. This is the second day in a row that I have had to meet a group early in the morning. I understand that they want to get down to Mexico and start working but, 6:30am is TOO early. The first day of work on the house is the hardest day because the group has to pour the 11 X 22 foot cement slab. No power tools are allowed so it is a very long day of mixing cement by hand. I sometimes feel that groups should be required to come in the day before they plan on working, most groups do but is should be requirement. The group that came in this morning did not leave Carl's Jr. until 7:30am which means that they will not get to camp before 8:30am and probably won't get to the worksite before 9:30am. They are going to have to work really hard to finish their slab by 5pm.

On another note, I caved and broke my boycott of Carl's Jr. this morning. I spend so much time there checking in groups but ever since they started airing that horrible, pornographic Paris Hilton commercial, I have not spent a dime there. Until this morning, that is. I was in desperate need of coffee so I caved and gave them $1.19 for coffee. I felt a bit guilty for supporting them but the need for coffee was too strong to resist. I am ashamed.

Highs and Lows

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. I have laughed, cried, been annoyed, and now I just want to go to sleep...

I'm tired.

It has been a month since I last posted something here. Sorry to all you devoted followers who are perched on the edge of your seats waiting to hear about my life...

I am tired lately and I can't seem to get enough sleep. When I go to bed at night, I lay there for hours because I have so many thoughts in my head and I can't turn them off. I used to be able to sleep till 11am on my days off, now I don't even come close to that time. It is a little bit frustrating but at least I know what is causing it.

I am moving to Thailand in six months. I have been reading books about the culture and what to expect when I get there and I am starting to panic. The thoughts that keep running through my head are, " What the heck was God thinking when he told me to go to Thailand? What the heck was I thinking when I said yes? I don't know if I can do this!" But then there is this other part of me that is so excited about following God's leading. Great things are going to happen! I guess that I just need to work on keeping the excited part of me in the forefront of my mind and not letting the scared part take over.

I sent out support letters a couple weeks ago and I am anxious to know the outcome of them. I need to raise $5000 in the next six months to cover all my start-up costs. I also need to have enough monthly supporters committed to cover my monthly costs of about $750. I find raising support exciting, I have been doing it here at Amor for three years and have never grown tired of it. I was talking to an Amor volunteer a couple days ago and he was saying that he couldn't work here full time because he would never want to raise support. I told him that raising support is a really cool thing. I will agree that asking for money sucks, but when people respond by giving you money, it is one of the best feelings ever. It feels so great to know that people believe in me enough to give me their hard earned money. I am amazed every single time that money comes in for me!

Keep me in your prayers as I am raising money and mentally preparing to go to Thailand. Also, keep me in your prayers as I am finishing up my time here at Amor, it will be hard to leave the people here.

Have a great day!