Honesty

I think that because I grew up a pastor's kid and was often in the spotlight at church, I have always felt the need to portray a stong spiritual life. I remember being a kid and having the elders at church tell me that I was not doing a good enough job setting a Christian example for the other kids at church. When I was in Junior High and High School, every once in awhile my dad would come home from an elders meeting with the latest news of what the elders thought I should do differently. I felt like I was attacked for every single mistake I made which was completely unfair because nobody is perfect. The worst part was that I was not a bad kid, to be honest I think that I was a pretty good kid. I never hung out with a bad crowd, never smoked a cigarrette, drank alcohol or did drugs. I always went to church, was active in the youth group and respected my parents. There were so many kids around me messing up and yet I was the one that people felt compelled to complain about at church. So, I learned how look and talk like I was leading a perfect Christian life. I am saddened by that.

Still today, years later I have a hard time admitting that my relationship with God is not where it should be. I had some time of self reflection this week and I came to the realization that I have become really lazy. I don't want to become one of those people who thinks Christianity is a title instead of a way of life and if my laziness continues, that is who I will become. I have not been reading my bible much or even talking to God much lately and I need to become more purposeful of doing those things. It is interesting to me that I am working for a ministry while preparing to move to Thailand and work for another ministry and yet my relationship with Christ is not where it should be. I feel like the devil has been attacking me for the past month and a half, ever since I made the decision to go to Thailand. One thing after another has gone wrong and I have been sitting and dwelling on the bad things. The worst part is that I always get annoyed when I have to sit and listen to people complain about how satan is attacking them. I totally believe that happens but I always want to tell them to stop complaining and let God help them out. And yet, in a moment of reflection I saw that I was becoming one of those people. I decided to start looking at the good things in my life instead and I have a lot of good things around me. God is performing miracles in my life and I need to stay focused on them. Yesterday a friend sent $500 of support in for my trip to Thailand. That is a miracle!

I have to go to a meeting but pray for me to always work on my relationship with my Christ. Thanks! Have a great day!

Carl's Jr.

My alarm went off this morning at 5am. I think that alarms should be programmed not to work before 7am, anything earlier is ungodly. I hit snooze 5 times before rolling out of bed at 5:30am. After rushing to get ready, I left the house at 6am so that I could be at Carl's Jr. at 6:30am. This is the second day in a row that I have had to meet a group early in the morning. I understand that they want to get down to Mexico and start working but, 6:30am is TOO early. The first day of work on the house is the hardest day because the group has to pour the 11 X 22 foot cement slab. No power tools are allowed so it is a very long day of mixing cement by hand. I sometimes feel that groups should be required to come in the day before they plan on working, most groups do but is should be requirement. The group that came in this morning did not leave Carl's Jr. until 7:30am which means that they will not get to camp before 8:30am and probably won't get to the worksite before 9:30am. They are going to have to work really hard to finish their slab by 5pm.

On another note, I caved and broke my boycott of Carl's Jr. this morning. I spend so much time there checking in groups but ever since they started airing that horrible, pornographic Paris Hilton commercial, I have not spent a dime there. Until this morning, that is. I was in desperate need of coffee so I caved and gave them $1.19 for coffee. I felt a bit guilty for supporting them but the need for coffee was too strong to resist. I am ashamed.

Highs and Lows

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. I have laughed, cried, been annoyed, and now I just want to go to sleep...

I'm tired.

It has been a month since I last posted something here. Sorry to all you devoted followers who are perched on the edge of your seats waiting to hear about my life...

I am tired lately and I can't seem to get enough sleep. When I go to bed at night, I lay there for hours because I have so many thoughts in my head and I can't turn them off. I used to be able to sleep till 11am on my days off, now I don't even come close to that time. It is a little bit frustrating but at least I know what is causing it.

I am moving to Thailand in six months. I have been reading books about the culture and what to expect when I get there and I am starting to panic. The thoughts that keep running through my head are, " What the heck was God thinking when he told me to go to Thailand? What the heck was I thinking when I said yes? I don't know if I can do this!" But then there is this other part of me that is so excited about following God's leading. Great things are going to happen! I guess that I just need to work on keeping the excited part of me in the forefront of my mind and not letting the scared part take over.

I sent out support letters a couple weeks ago and I am anxious to know the outcome of them. I need to raise $5000 in the next six months to cover all my start-up costs. I also need to have enough monthly supporters committed to cover my monthly costs of about $750. I find raising support exciting, I have been doing it here at Amor for three years and have never grown tired of it. I was talking to an Amor volunteer a couple days ago and he was saying that he couldn't work here full time because he would never want to raise support. I told him that raising support is a really cool thing. I will agree that asking for money sucks, but when people respond by giving you money, it is one of the best feelings ever. It feels so great to know that people believe in me enough to give me their hard earned money. I am amazed every single time that money comes in for me!

Keep me in your prayers as I am raising money and mentally preparing to go to Thailand. Also, keep me in your prayers as I am finishing up my time here at Amor, it will be hard to leave the people here.

Have a great day!

Psalm 103

Psalm 103

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children - with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.

Praise the Lord, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the Lord, all his works everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

God is good. All the time.

So... I realize that I am a flake and I barely ever write in here...

Good News: I'm going to Thailand!

Bad News: I get to sit around and anxiously think about it for the next seven months because I don't leave until the end of December.

I am feeling very random today and totally unmotivated. But my overall feeling is that God is good to me, all the time.

I recently found this verse:
"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Patience is a virtue and I don't have it!

I sent in my application to join the ministry at The Centre in Thailand on May 5th and my contact over there said that they would pray over my application and get back to me within two weeks. I have spent the last 11 days anxiously awaiting an email. I have not been sleeping well because my mind is spinning so fast that I can't relax. I have been biting my nails which is completely abnormal for me. I have been distracted and just overall impatient. This past weekend was rough because I don't have access to email outside of the office and I had no idea if they had emailed or not. Today I came into the office and there was no email which left me feeling bummed and even more anxious then before. Around lunch time I looked at my cell phone and realized that my ringer was off. I had two voicemails from my contact at The Centre. Surely they would only call all the way from Thailand if they want me to come join them, right? I can't call them back but she said that she would try again tomorrow. So, now I am waiting again but it is even harder now because I am terrified that she is going to ask me to join them in Thailand. Can you imagine picking up your life and moving to Thailand? I am excited as well. Maybe I should go home right now and go to bed so that tomorrow will come faster. My stomach hurts...

Thailand

Sorry that I have not written in awhile, I have not been able to get onto my blog page for over a week. But it looks like it is working now, so I am back!

I have been talking to a woman by the name of Clair who along with her husband runs a ministry in Thailand called The Centre. They minister to college students through English classes, bible studies and by building relationships. The Centre is really just a fun place for Thai students to hang out and feel loved. Clair and I have been talking about me joining them for a year or two and helping with the ministry. I have been praying about it a lot and have decided to go ahead and start the application process. If everything works out (support raising, getting the necessary paperwork to live in Thailand, etc.), I will probably go over there at the end of the year. Clair has stated that they would like to have me as soon as I am able to come.

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought that I could be living on the other side of the world by the end of the year. But I am also really excited and a bit scared. I hate the thought of leaving my family but as hard as I try, I can't ignore the call of God. I was telling a friend the other day that sometimes I wish God would just call me to a normal life where I could stay close to family, have a regular job, get married and have a family and just be content. But for some reason that I cannot fathom, He has called me to follow Him across the world and leave all that normal stuff behind. He has made me a person that so far has never been content with my life because I know that there are people out there that need to be told His story and I can do that. Maybe some day I will settle down in a normal life but right now I am going to follow His call to Thailand.

Please keep me in your prayers as I am in the application process and will soon be raising money and getting ready to go. Thanks so much for your support! I'm excited!!!

New Roof

It has been awhile since I last wrote... I was unexpectedly out of the office last Thursday and Friday because I got a new roof on my house. My landlord called at the last minute and said that the roofers would be at my house at 7am Thursday morning. I got up and got ready for work before realizing that there was no way I could leave my dogs in the house all day by themselves. I thought that they were both going to have heart attacks because of all the banging, scraping and yelling coming from our roof. One of the dogs actually threw up in the kitchen because she was so scared. By the end of Thursday, our old roof was gone and in it's place was a hole in my ceiling. I could stand in my living room, look up and see the sky. I ended up staying home Friday as well so that I could let the roofers in to fix the ceiling. It was an eventful couple days. I was exhausted by the end of Friday and I was not even working. I had Saturday and Sunday off work as well so I had an unexpected 4 day weekend. What a blessing!

So long, farewell, it's time to say goodbye...

My friend Andy just made the rounds here in the office and said goodbye to everyone. He tortured me and said that he would come back to my office last, so I had to watch him say goodbye to everyone else. By the time he got back to my office I was already an emotional wreck and the tears came easily.

When I first started working for Amor I was terrified of Andy, there was just something about him that did not seem very approachable. Then a couple years ago I moved into a house about a mile from his house and we started carpooling to work. I discovered that Andy is a pretty fantastic guy and not at all terrifying. We started hanging out and he soon became a very good friend. We spent an hour in the car together every day and Andy became the person that I talked to about everything going on in my life. He'd listen, offer advice when I needed it and be brutally honest even when I didn't want him to be. Andy had the ability to make me laugh more than the average person and the ability to make me so angry that I could not verbally respond to him.

I am going to miss our carpooling, visits to Arby's and the BBQ House, going to the movies, watching CSI, Law and Order and Without a Trace. I will miss the two of us singing along as loud as we could to country songs on the radio, the fact that he could tell me the name and artist of any song that came on the radio and how he always said that he was born in the wrong decade because he absolutely loves oldies music. But the thing that I will miss the most is hearing Andy's rendition of the National Anthem every morning on our way to work, I think maybe he was getting better.

Andy leaves tomorrow to start his training with the FBI and then will probably be stationed far away from San Diego. I know he will do well and I wish him the best.

Goodbyes are always hard. In a weird way they are almost like death because there is a mourning period that occurs when someone moves away.

If you can, say a prayer for Andy.

Esther

My friend Esther wants me to blog about her so here it is.

Yesterday she asked me what the 10/40 window was. I was a little shocked that she asked because Esther's parents have been missionaries her whole life and now as an adult she works for a missions organization. But one of her common quotes is "I just came to earth a couple years ago." Anyway, I told her what the 10/40 window is and now she feels a little bit smarter.

Esther, you're great! Have fun in New York and be safe!

Laughed So Hard I Cried

Last night I was at Target with my friend Katie walking past the furniture section when suddenly I started laughing so hard that I could barely explain why. Being in that section of Target reminded me of a time when Tamara and I were shopping and she found a chair that she really wanted to buy. She asked me to sit in it and when I did, it flipped over and I was stuck upside down. I was yelling at Tamara to help me but she was laughing so hard that she was immobile and I ended up having to roll out of the chair on my own. It was all very embarrassing and very awkward, but the memory made me laugh so hard I cried.

On my way home from Target I was reflecting on when I had last laughed that hard. My first thought was that I could not remember laughing that hard and that made me sad. I know that I used to laugh a lot but have not been doing it much lately. But I continued to think about it and started remembering times not too far in the past. Last month Amor celebrated its 25th anniversary with a staff lunch in a nice restaurant. I was sitting next to Katie and at just the perfect moment, with my face two inches from hers and my mouth full of Pepsi, she made me laugh. As you can imagine, the Pepsi that was in my mouth ended up all over Katie. It was hilarious, probably more to me that to her. I laughed so hard I cried.

I feel like I could go on and on with memories of laughing that hard and that makes me smile. My life is good, I am surrounded by amazing friends, I have the most wonderful family in the world and I know a God who loves me and blesses me every day (and gives me moments where I laugh so hard I cry.)

Book Recommendation?

I love to read, I would say that it is my favorite hobby. I will read anything that you put in front of me; books, magazines, newspapers, etc. I absolutely love to get lost in a story. No matter how stressed I am, I can pick up a book and immediately get lost in another world. I know that sounds cheesy, but it is true. One of the most wonderful things in life is to discover a great author and read all of their books. But lately I am at a loss for new reading material. I have read and reread every book on my shelf and I need some new material. I like all kinds of books so please recommend anything you love.

Some of my favorites are:

The Chronicles of Narnia
anything Harry Potter
The Lord of the Rings
anything by:
Madeleine Brent
Ted Dekker
Mary Higgins Clark

There are so many books that I love that I can't list them all. I love adventure and mystery books and I love heros (Harry Potter, Frodo, etc.)

By the way, if you love to read I recommend trying a book by Madeleine Brent. They are the most incredible stories that are constantly changing from adventure to adventure. My mom got me started on Brent's book when I was young and I have read them so many times that you'd think I would be bored by now, but I'm not.

Please recommend some books for me. Anything at all. I appreciate any input... THANKS!!!

My Future

There are some changes that will be happening in my life soon and I could really use your prayers. I am burnt out on my job as Mission Services Representative and have let my boss know that I am at the end of my time here. I have committed to stay in this position through the summer because the summer is such a busy time for us. The fall is a slower season for us so we will be able to train someone to take my place before we get busy again. I have a few different options for what I could do after I leave this position but I am not sure which one to take. My boss has made it clear that Amor would love to keep me and move me into a new position. I have also though about going back to school and completing a degree and Amor is willing to work around my school schedule. I have a lot to think about and could really use your prayers for wisdom and clarification.

Please pray for me to have a servant's heart. I have been very stressed and very busy and have not had the best attitude lately. It is so hard to remain joyful when I am doing a job that I no longer enjoy. Every day I struggle with the fact that I don't enjoy my job because I feel as if I should enjoy whatever ministry God has placed me in. By the end of every work day I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I don't feel like I can communicate with anyone, including God. So, my relationship with God is suffering and I can't quite get a grasp on how to bring it back to where it should be. Last night at church my pastor was speaking words to the people in the crowd who felt burnt out on life and needed a fresh start with God. Usually during that time in the sermon my mind wanders all over the place but last night my heart was hurting and I heard every word he said. I need to figure out how to get that fresh start. I can picture God standing and waiting for me to take a hold of His hand again. After all, we have been walking together for a long time. For some reason I just lost my energy to keep moving forward and I sat down to take a break. Now He is waiting for me to get back up and start walking forward with Him again. It is hard to look at my life and have no clue who I am or where I am going anymore. I will be 26 in a couple months and I feel like I should have it figured out by now, but I am coming to the realization that maybe people never have it totally figured out. Maybe that continual search is what keeps us growing.

I just went back and read the words that I wrote and I wonder if it will make sense to any of you. It amazes me how one little thing like being burnt out on my job can leave me feeling so tired and lost in every aspect of my life.

Please just pray for me and my future.

Happy Easter!

I realize that it has been awhile since I last wrote in here, the past week has been VERY busy! Thanks for praying for dry weather last weekend, God blessed us with sunshine. We checked in all 3700 people smoothly and safely. And even though it rained during the week, hundreds of new homes were built in Tijuana, Tecate, Rosarito and Juarez Mexico. I came into the office today at 7am to send a group of 200 people across the border and now I have a little bit of a break before another 1000 people cross the border today. Pray for us today and tomorrow as we have another 1100 people crossing the border tomorrow.

When I think of Easter, I think of going to church with my family and then spending the whole day together. This is my third year in a row that I have spent my Easter working here at Amor. In the past it hasn't bothered me much but this year I really miss my family. I called my parents on the way to work this morning and told them I love them, miss them and hope they have a great Easter. Later today I will call my older sister and tell her the same, but I just wish that I could spend the day with all of them like old times. Tamara is going to come down and help check in groups with me today so I am blessed to have my younger sister around, but I know she misses the family also. I hope that all of you get to spend the special day with family and loved ones.

Rain in Tijuana

Please pray for dry weather in San Diego and Tijuana. Right now there is rain in the forecast for this weekend and next week. The areas where we build homes in Tijuana, Rosarito and Tecate get extremely muddy and difficult to navigate when it rains. The picture I posted below is a neighborhood that we were in a couple months ago when it rained, the streets literally turn into rivers. With 3700 people crossing the border this weekend and building next week, we could really use dry weather. It breaks my heart when a group has to stop building a home because of the weather, the receiving family has to continue to live in a makeshift home in the rain. So Amor Ministries really needs your prayers right now. Thanks so much!

Rain in Tijuana

Prayer 2

No matter what I do, I can't get the picture in the previous blog to work properly if I try and add words to it.

That picture is one of my favorite Mexico pictures. I took it during my Amor Internship in the summer of 2002 and something about the group praying really inspires me.

I really enjoy this blogging thing, much more than I expected. It helps me escape reality for a little while...

Prayer 

Today

Today has been a pretty good day. I am overwhelmed with voicemails and emails but have not lost my temper or burst into tears yet. Just to give you an idea of the amount of phone calls I get, yesterday in the span of three hours (hours that I was constantly on the phone) I got 27 voicemails. Today I have been trying to respond to those voicemails but have received 22 more voicemails in the process. Crazy! This weekend we have over 3700 people crossing the border into Mexico to build homes for families, it is very exciting! The whole Amor staff including myself is pretty much living at the office this weekend. As tired as I am, I am really looking forward to checking all the groups in and getting them across the border. I love feeling the excitement in the air when there are thousands of people standing outside of our office waiting to hop in their vans and go to Mexico. I love overhearing the teenage girls talk about how they are not going to use a real shower or toilet for a whole week. I just really love everything that this ministry does! Speaking of which, I better get back to returning my voicemails and emails...

Sammy and Suki

I took this picture of my two dogs this past weekend, aren't they the cutest? Suki (the little one) got a hair cut this weekend and the grooming place had her for six hours. When I picked her up the lady that cut her hair said that Suki would only allow her to touch her. Anytime anyone else came close, Suki would try to attack them. She thinks that she is a pitbull. The other one, Sammy is the sweetest, most gentle dog in the world. She is epileptic and very frail, I love them both to death. They bring so much joy to my life so I thought that I would share them with the rest of you...

Sammy and Suki

Stress

new friends

Whenever my job stresses me out to the point of not remembering why I am here, I look at this picture. Everything Amor does is for kids like this and their families...

Today I realized that I have been a bit selfish lately. I have been so stressed out and busy at work and all I have been thinking about is getting my stuff done without breaking down in tears or screaming. Last week I spent a lot of time vocalizing my anger about different groups coming on trips, different rules or policies here that seem absolutely ridiculous or the fact that my computer and phone never seem to work properly when I am busy. My job requires me to be on the phone and computer all day long, how am I supposed to successfully do my job when nothing works correctly?! The week before last, I spent a lot of time crying. I couldn't handle the rude trip leaders who always seem to take out their anger on me even though their anger has nothing to do with me. One day I cried for 45 minutes straight before finally grabbing me stuff and going home. I cried the entire way home also. I am burnt out on my job and this is the busiest time of the year for Amor. So every day I go to work and I focus on getting myself through the day without another outburst. This morning I stopped focusing on myself for a moment and realized that a lot of my co-workers look like they are about to lose it as well. Lydia's dad got really sick last week and is in the hospital. Several years ago he had a stroke and has been living in a home ever since. Lydia has been spending every night in the hospital with him and he does not even recognize her. The doctors are afraid that he might have another stroke at any moment. Yet Lydia comes to work every day with a smile on her face and does her job. Today I walked by her desk and she complimented me on my sweater and my new hair cut. I walked away thinking that if my dad were in the hospital in such bad shape, I would not be acting so nice. Katie's car broke down the other day, actually her car is always breaking down. But this time it is going to cost so much money to fix that it is probably not worth fixing. Her living situation is so stress ridden and dramatic that she never wants to go home, last week she spent two nights at my house just so she would not have to be around her roommates. She has so much going on yet she is one of my favorite people to around. Sometimes when I am stressed I go and sit by her desk because I know that she can make me smile and laugh. Last week Katie brought me Jamba Juice for breakfast just because she knew I would enjoy it. Lydia and Katie are just two of my co-workers, if I wrote about the stress that all the others are carrying, this blog would never end. I am a selfish person to not have clearly seen my friends and co-workers faces before today. I bet that I would be a lot happier if I spent more time loving them and less time focusing on myself...

First Blog

Well, I have finally joined the world of blogging. People have been telling me to do this for awhile and I have been wanting to but just have not gotten around to it. Unfortunately my newsletters that I send out about my ministry with Amor (http://www.comebuildhope.com) are getting fewer and farther in between due to busyness, so maybe this is a better option for me. We will see how well it goes...