I wish there were an age where you figure life out and understand yourself and those around you. Like maybe that age could be 40 and on days when life is dragging me down and completely confusing I could say, "Well, only 11 more years and it will all make sense." Those hard days would be so much easier to endure.
I can't seem to get control over my thoughts lately. I am over analyzing everything, making things more difficult than they need to be and worrying. I have been getting an average of two hours of sleep per night because I cannot turn my thoughts off. About once a week I crash and sleep for 12 hours straight because I am so exhausted and then I go back to about two hours a night. When I do sleep, I have crazy dreams about losing things like my dog, my purse or my boyfriend (I don't even have a boyfriend) and I spend hours looking for them.
I am currently trying to make a decision about going back to the states this summer and I am thinking about it way too much. My family is going a camping trip this summer for ten days and I am going to join them. I am very excited about being with my parents, sister, grandma and nephews for that time! I haven't seen my nephews in almost two years so I am especially excited about seeing them. While I am in the states, I am going to try and speak at churches and raise support for myself and The Centre. *If you go to a church that supports missionaries and might be interested in having me visit, let me know and I would love to come!*
The past few months, I have been feeling very mentally, physically and spiritually burnt out and I think that I would like to take some time for myself while I am away. A couple friends suggested going home for 6 months or so and recuperating. 6 months seems SO long though so they suggested 4 months. But even 4 months seems too long. I'm worried about several things happening during that time. 1) I am afraid that I will feel too disconnected when I do return to Thailand and in a sense will have to start over. 2) I am afraid that being away from this life I love will cause me to fall back into the depression that I fight against every day. I guess I am afraid that I am not strong enough. 3) I am afraid that I either won't want to or will be afraid to return. 4) I am afraid of disappointing God, myself and my supporters by being away from the ministry for too long. So, right now I am thinking of being in the states for 3 months. I will take a month and a half to two months raising support and a month for myself. My parents love the idea of me spending a month with them and I love the idea as well. But I just don't have peace yet.
I have a feeling that I am just thinking about it too much. Maybe I need to pray, make a decision and stick with it. It shouldn't be that big of a deal and it might not make sense to you, but I know that leaving Thailand for any significant amount of time will change my life. So I stress and I worry and I cry out to God and I lay awake at night for hours when I should be sleeping.
Well, only 11 more years and it will all make sense.
1 comment:
I'm sorry your insomnia is so bad. I hate when I get that way, I can totally relate to how miserable it must make you right now. I'll add this to my prayer list.
It does seem like you're overwhelmed and need some you time, some time to unwind and refocus. To not be so worked up about things to do.
Our bodies tend to be things that hold the extra energy spent when we're over-extending ourselves. Your body is using up reserves even if you are unaware of it, and the bad sleep cycle doesn't help.
I don't think God will stop using you or make the school work any less if you step back for a bit. I know being in the front line is amazing, but you need Sabbath too.
You worry about your depression returning. Something I know about myself is that when my insomnia and worry get bad my depression pretty much follows suit. And a lot of times people will see my depression first before I see it, when all I'm feeling is the inability to sleep and worry. If you're like me a break is all you can do to keep from getting depressed. And allowing yourself the time and quietness to work any depression through to get on and back to 'normal'.
You're great at writing, I'm sure on a break you could keep in touch with many people and serve in a way that way. I don't think being back in the states would totally cut you off from your life in Thailand.
I think the love you communicate for what you are doing and where you live, the life and culture you have embraced, will continue to remain in you if you take a break. I think yes, it might seem like a struggle to work up the nerve to go back, but I don't think it would make you quite. Look at it more like the start of a new school year when you do return.
It is a big deal if you leave Thailand for a extended period. It's so much of the identity you have built for yourself right now. I think it's too hard to totally feel at peace about making a choice to take time off though, when you aren't convinced it's what you need and you don't want to give up on what you're currently working towards. But you have to listen to your body, and the symptoms of your mood. You don't want them to rule you, but you need to know when they're telling you you need a change. God works through our limitations as humans too. I'm still amazed that God can use me just by sitting on my butt at home in front of the computer so long as I spend my time focused on what sites He'd have me interact on. And what He'd have me say to others.
Someday things will all make sense. I too wish it was as easy as saying in 11 years that would happen, but wouldn't life be oh so more frustrating having to put up with so many know it alls if one really could achieve such a thing at a certain age. I think a better focus is that someday this world will be behind us, and in His glory life will make sense, in the mean time we need to continue to seek Him. And be willing tools to let Him shine through us.
I think the dreams about loosing things have something to do with trying to keep up with more things then are humanly possible. Life feels out of control and that sense of uncertainty plays into your rest causing a lack of rest. Only making the cycle worse. When you get those periods of 12 hours sleep your body is forcing you to shut down. It's in control, making you feel even more out of control when you get back up again and realize just how long you were asleep.
I'll be another on you list of friends telling you that with what you've shared it sounds like a break is what you need. And see it as just that, a break, a period of time off, like summer break from school. It's not giving up, but refocusing and opening yourself up to God without distractions. After vacation is over life will resume with the work again, but you need that time off.
You're in my prayers and I'll support you with friendship and prayer no matter how things turn out here. Wether you push through or come to the states for a rest.
Remember rest, even God rests.
Genesis 2:2-3 (KJV)
"And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made."
Hugs,
Crystal
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