Monday, October 01, 2007
Settling
Lately a lot of people have been asking me what my plans are for the future. Every time someone asks, my mind starts spinning into a vortex of uncertainty. I have no idea what my future holds. Not only that, but I have no idea where my future is located. I love my life, but I secretly envy the people that God allows to stay in their homeland. I guess it is no longer a secret. Even when their futures seem uncertain, at least they have a relative idea of where they will be living in the future. I wish I had that. Instead I look ahead and I see a lot of questions. I long to settle somewhere and experience what that feels like. I worry that I will never be able to do that. I know that I sound like I am complaining, I'm not. I'm just talking through my thoughts with you. Do you feel settled? What makes you feel that way? I imagine that it is not just location and a job that gives the feeling of being settled. I just wish I could figure out how to get there in my present life.
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3 comments:
I never feel settled. Until moving to San Diego, I had never lived anywhere longer than 5 years. Until moving to San Diego, I used to change apartments at least once a year if not more. Now, I fear that I AM settled, at least my stuff is, but my heart is still restless. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what it would be like to live in another country, state or city. Maybe because I want to be ready if God asks me to move on? Maybe because I like change?
I think settled is the wrong word. I think it's more about being content. Settling to me seems like I've gotten too comfortable with where I'm at, maybe so much so that my eyes are closed to the places I'm meant to be going. Contentment for me is knowing that when I make the choice to follow my passions and understand that God puts dreams in our hearts for a reason (to follow them) I will always be taken care of.
I deal with a similar thing, having been married for 7 years now Kevin and I hear all the time questions of when we'll have kids. It's amazing how many people forget or don't realize the impact that my infertility has on Kevin and I. We actually left a church in San Jose because of everyone constantly asking when we were going to have kids. It was just too stressful to me to have to constantly explain my health and what all we need to do and so on.
I've learned to redirect. I've learned that people ask questions like this when they want conversation with us, but don't truly have a topic in mind. It's hard, Depending on who it is I might talk about how our finances are blocking us from adopting just yet, or I'll redirect to talking about something I'm more comfortable with. With other Christians sometimes I'll simply say the Lord is still having us wait.
I think in your situation where you are clear across the world it almost doesn't make sense for you to have it all planned out. I think it makes sense FOR you to live each day just for that day and keeping life open for whatever ministry God is calling you too.
I hope I've been of encouragement. I don't see your post as complaining, I see it as questioning and examining, something that is a good trait of yours.
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