Hope is a powerful thing.
Have you ever noticed how much it affects your day? If I wake up in the morning feeling hopeful about my day, then no matter what happens, the day will turn out pretty good. If I wake up in the morning feeling hopeless, the whole days goes downhill from there.
I have been dealing with some depression this year and it has gotten worse over the past few months. (Admitting that on this blog is really hard for me to do.) My depression has affected my sleep pattern and has caused me to have a recurring nightmare. Some nights I fight even going to sleep and force myself to stay awake because I don't want to have the dream. The problem with this dream is that I wake up from it feeling completely hopeless about life in general. I have no desire to enter my day because every part of me knows that nothing good could come out of the day after having that dream. I have no hope.
I have been seeing a counselor for a couple months now and it has really helped to talk through things with her. One of the results of having someone to talk to is that I haven't had my nightmare in a few weeks. I have been falling asleep at night and not waking up until the morning. When I wake up, I have hope that the day ahead of me could be amazing. There are endless possibilities ahead of me simply because I have hope.
Hope is a powerful thing.
*This is actually my post from yesterday that for some reason I was not able to post. I haven't failed at blogging everyday, I haven't!!! :)
Monday, November 05, 2007
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Will you become bored of me one day?
Today I had lunch with my friend, Mel and somehow we got on the subject of whether or not her and her husband ever get tired of each other. They live together, they work together, they hang out together and they are almost never apart. I told her that I can't imagine being around one person that much and I might get tired of that person. She said that they don't get tired of eachother, they just love eachother and cannot get enough of eachother. I said that is really cool but I don't think that I could do it. Mel said that I just haven't found the right person yet but when I do, I won't be able to get enough of them.
That conversation led to a discussion about when I am going to get married. All the singles reading this, don't you love it when people say "When are you going to get married?" They act like we could just pick a date on the calendar and by then we will find our prince charming and be married. If it were that easy, there would be a lot more happy couples in this world. Anyway, when living in a foreign country and talking about marriage, people always ask if I want to marry a farang (foreigner, westerner) or a Thai. Sometimes I wonder if I missed an application somewhere with a box where I am supposed to check farang or Thai. Apparently I am already supposed to know the answer to this question and I just don't. If I knew who I was going to marry, this whole subject would be easier to talk about.
That question led to a discussion about the pros and cons of marrying Thais versus farangs. The biggest problem with marrying a farang while here on the mission field is that there are no single, western guys out here. I am not sure why but single men do not seem to be drawn to the mission field. The problem with marrying a Thai person is the cultural differences. I spend every day struggling to communicate with everyone around me and I can't imagine doing that with my husband.
At this point in the conversation I said, "I can't believe we have been talking about marriage for so long. What started this?" We both laughed and started talking about other things, but the question still remains in my mind: How can you spend so much time with a person and not grow tired of them?
On that note, Tamara just told me that I need to join NaBloPoMo which means that I will be blogging every single day during the November. Except for yesterday and the day before of course. Will you become bored of me?
That conversation led to a discussion about when I am going to get married. All the singles reading this, don't you love it when people say "When are you going to get married?" They act like we could just pick a date on the calendar and by then we will find our prince charming and be married. If it were that easy, there would be a lot more happy couples in this world. Anyway, when living in a foreign country and talking about marriage, people always ask if I want to marry a farang (foreigner, westerner) or a Thai. Sometimes I wonder if I missed an application somewhere with a box where I am supposed to check farang or Thai. Apparently I am already supposed to know the answer to this question and I just don't. If I knew who I was going to marry, this whole subject would be easier to talk about.
That question led to a discussion about the pros and cons of marrying Thais versus farangs. The biggest problem with marrying a farang while here on the mission field is that there are no single, western guys out here. I am not sure why but single men do not seem to be drawn to the mission field. The problem with marrying a Thai person is the cultural differences. I spend every day struggling to communicate with everyone around me and I can't imagine doing that with my husband.
At this point in the conversation I said, "I can't believe we have been talking about marriage for so long. What started this?" We both laughed and started talking about other things, but the question still remains in my mind: How can you spend so much time with a person and not grow tired of them?
On that note, Tamara just told me that I need to join NaBloPoMo which means that I will be blogging every single day during the November. Except for yesterday and the day before of course. Will you become bored of me?
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Quest
I have spent the last three months on a quest that has taken me all over Chiang Mai. I have searched in little known areas, passed through many doorways, climbed ladders and crawled on my hands and knees all in search of one little thing. One small, little item that could easily fit into my purse and yet remains completely elusive.
What small item has taken me on this quest you ask? Well some of you know that I love to read more than almost anything in the world. A few months ago someone said that I should read the Jason Bourne books; they said I would really like them. I thought that they were probably right because I love the Bourne movies so, why not read the books. Why not?
Why not?
Why not? Well, the answer to that question is that I cannot find the first book anywhere! Today I went to six different bookstores looking for The Bourne Identity and apparently it doesn't exist anywhere in the whole world. (That may have been an exaggeration.) Over the past three months, I have searched so many bookstores and I am starting to get annoyed.
One of the things I love so much about Chiang Mai is all the used bookstores. There are so many and they are a haven for me. If I am stressed or worried or just need to escape for awhile, I go to the used bookstores. But now, for the first time in two years, they have failed me.
Why me? Why must I fail this quest?...
:)
What small item has taken me on this quest you ask? Well some of you know that I love to read more than almost anything in the world. A few months ago someone said that I should read the Jason Bourne books; they said I would really like them. I thought that they were probably right because I love the Bourne movies so, why not read the books. Why not?
Why not?
Why not? Well, the answer to that question is that I cannot find the first book anywhere! Today I went to six different bookstores looking for The Bourne Identity and apparently it doesn't exist anywhere in the whole world. (That may have been an exaggeration.) Over the past three months, I have searched so many bookstores and I am starting to get annoyed.
One of the things I love so much about Chiang Mai is all the used bookstores. There are so many and they are a haven for me. If I am stressed or worried or just need to escape for awhile, I go to the used bookstores. But now, for the first time in two years, they have failed me.
Why me? Why must I fail this quest?...
:)
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Money Sucks
I just paid for my plane ticket home next month. It cost A LOT of money! I now have less than 100 dollars to last me the next month and my rent is due on Thursday. Oh joy! I guess this is where trusting in God comes in. :) Anyone want to pay my rent for me?
Thursday, October 04, 2007
I love teaching!
The following is a conversation that I had with Tamara over Google Talk about one of my classes. I love teaching!
- me: today we were talking about names in my class and Dear asked what your full name was. i told him your middle name was Dawn and he asked if he could call you donkey as a nickname. it was Hilarious!
- Tamara: gasp!
you told him no right? - me: i told him yes he could call you donkey
i love Dear - Tamara: no!
- me: and i love you my little donkey
- Tamara: you basically are calling me an ass
- me: i know but he didn't realize that and it
made it even funnier - Tamara: way to teach your students to cuss
- me: i love language barriers
you're the one whose name sounds like donkey
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
More on the last post
First of all, thanks Wendy and Katie for your comments. I love you both.
Wendy said that her stuff is settled in San Diego and it is the longest she has stayed anywhere. This got me thinking because I moved into a new house about eight months ago and I still haven't settled here. I have a room that I call the dungeon because it has all the stuff that I haven't unpacked yet. My bedroom has my clothes and bed in it but I haven't decorated at all. I finally put pictures and curtains up in my living room about a month ago. It is not that I don't want to settle here, it is simply that I haven't had the time to do so. Maybe if I finished the unpacking and decorating, this house would feel like a home and I would feel more settled. A have a couple free days next week that I think I will dedicate to this house.
Katie brought up the difference between being settled and being content. She mentioned that maybe I am using the wrong word when I say that I don't feel settled. Being an English teacher, I looked up the definitions of the words.
content: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.
settle: 1)to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction, etc 2)to make stable; place in a permanent position or on a permanent basis 3)to quiet, calm, or bring to rest 4)to place in a desired state or in order 4)To discontinue moving and come to rest in one place
settle down: 1)To begin living a stable and orderly life 2)To become calm or composed
I feel like I am on a pretty good road toward being content. I am pretty satisfied with the life that I am living. I am not saying that I am "not wanting more or anything else" but is there anyone who can honestly say that? It is human nature to always want more than we have. I feel satisfied that I am living the life God wants me to live. I definitely fluctuate daily in how content I feel. For instance, today I want to go home. I know that God wants me here in Thailand but I am homesick and I want to go home. I don't feel happy and content with my life right now. But tomorrow I may wake up and feel completely satisfied with being in Thailand and working at The Centre and I may feel content.
I feel like I will probably be living in Thailand for a while longer. I don't know if that means two more years or ten more years or fifty more years but I know that I am not leaving yet. This leaves me feeling "fixed in a particular place" for a while at least. However, my life in no way feels "quiet or composed." I am constantly going, whether at The Centre or at church or around town. I don't slow down much. I am living in a culture where things a very different than how I grew up. Little things like not being able to buy top sheets for my bed (they only sell fitted sheets here and I miss top sheets) or not being able to get hot water from the faucet (I can't wait to take a really hot shower or even just wash my hands with hot water in a sink when I visit the states next) or not having an oven are very different than what I was used to before coming to Thailand. There are a million little things like those that make it hard to feel settled. But maybe I am looking to the wrong things to make me feel settled.
Settled or Content? I don't know which one I am longing for and maybe I am more confused now than I was yesterday. :) I do know that God is taking care of me though. And I know that if I continue to follow his plan for my life, I will end up feel both settled and content. So I continue on this path, not having any clue what is ahead, but keeping my hope in God and following his lead.
And now I head into my day with a lot on my mind. Thanks Wendy and Katie! :)
Wendy said that her stuff is settled in San Diego and it is the longest she has stayed anywhere. This got me thinking because I moved into a new house about eight months ago and I still haven't settled here. I have a room that I call the dungeon because it has all the stuff that I haven't unpacked yet. My bedroom has my clothes and bed in it but I haven't decorated at all. I finally put pictures and curtains up in my living room about a month ago. It is not that I don't want to settle here, it is simply that I haven't had the time to do so. Maybe if I finished the unpacking and decorating, this house would feel like a home and I would feel more settled. A have a couple free days next week that I think I will dedicate to this house.
Katie brought up the difference between being settled and being content. She mentioned that maybe I am using the wrong word when I say that I don't feel settled. Being an English teacher, I looked up the definitions of the words.
content: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.
settle: 1)to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction, etc 2)to make stable; place in a permanent position or on a permanent basis 3)to quiet, calm, or bring to rest 4)to place in a desired state or in order 4)To discontinue moving and come to rest in one place
settle down: 1)To begin living a stable and orderly life 2)To become calm or composed
I feel like I am on a pretty good road toward being content. I am pretty satisfied with the life that I am living. I am not saying that I am "not wanting more or anything else" but is there anyone who can honestly say that? It is human nature to always want more than we have. I feel satisfied that I am living the life God wants me to live. I definitely fluctuate daily in how content I feel. For instance, today I want to go home. I know that God wants me here in Thailand but I am homesick and I want to go home. I don't feel happy and content with my life right now. But tomorrow I may wake up and feel completely satisfied with being in Thailand and working at The Centre and I may feel content.
I feel like I will probably be living in Thailand for a while longer. I don't know if that means two more years or ten more years or fifty more years but I know that I am not leaving yet. This leaves me feeling "fixed in a particular place" for a while at least. However, my life in no way feels "quiet or composed." I am constantly going, whether at The Centre or at church or around town. I don't slow down much. I am living in a culture where things a very different than how I grew up. Little things like not being able to buy top sheets for my bed (they only sell fitted sheets here and I miss top sheets) or not being able to get hot water from the faucet (I can't wait to take a really hot shower or even just wash my hands with hot water in a sink when I visit the states next) or not having an oven are very different than what I was used to before coming to Thailand. There are a million little things like those that make it hard to feel settled. But maybe I am looking to the wrong things to make me feel settled.
Settled or Content? I don't know which one I am longing for and maybe I am more confused now than I was yesterday. :) I do know that God is taking care of me though. And I know that if I continue to follow his plan for my life, I will end up feel both settled and content. So I continue on this path, not having any clue what is ahead, but keeping my hope in God and following his lead.
And now I head into my day with a lot on my mind. Thanks Wendy and Katie! :)
Monday, October 01, 2007
Settling
Lately a lot of people have been asking me what my plans are for the future. Every time someone asks, my mind starts spinning into a vortex of uncertainty. I have no idea what my future holds. Not only that, but I have no idea where my future is located. I love my life, but I secretly envy the people that God allows to stay in their homeland. I guess it is no longer a secret. Even when their futures seem uncertain, at least they have a relative idea of where they will be living in the future. I wish I had that. Instead I look ahead and I see a lot of questions. I long to settle somewhere and experience what that feels like. I worry that I will never be able to do that. I know that I sound like I am complaining, I'm not. I'm just talking through my thoughts with you. Do you feel settled? What makes you feel that way? I imagine that it is not just location and a job that gives the feeling of being settled. I just wish I could figure out how to get there in my present life.
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