Friends Are Friends Forever

Have I mentioned before that I have really great friends? Well, I do.

Last night I had dinner with Tam and Wendy. We ate and talked for a long time. Today I had coffee with Katie and was able to sit and chat with her about life which was great. Although, it was not nearly long enough and next time I am going to need at least a four hour block of time to sit and talk with her. (Put that on your calendar Katie.) Tonight I had dinner with Tam and Erin and then shopped a little bit which was really just an excuse to hang out longer. Tomorrow I am having dinner with Katie and this weekend I am having a slumber party with Erin. I am also getting together with Rachel this weekend whom I haven't seen since she moved away from Thailand in February. And next week I have plans to see many more friends. I feel loved and so happy to see all my wonderful friends!

I have really great friends!

Ode to Wendy

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Wendy's so cool,
And I wish that I could see her every day instead of just a couple times a year.

Wendy,
Thanks for your friendship, you are an amazing sense of strength for me. There have been so many times over the past year when I have been struggling and just getting an email from you has made me smile. Thanks for waiting for me to come to your desk today (with the territory issue) and then letting me sit and talk to you. Thanks for making it so easy to talk you into eating dinner with me tonight and then ice cream afterwards. Thanks for talking for hours instead of going home to Ginger and laundry and packing. And thanks for inviting me to be a Wild (or mild) Woman. You are a fantastic friend!

Love,
Jane

90210

Tamara and Kim are addicted to reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 and since I am staying in their house, I have been watching them too. Right now they are in the year after graduating from college and they are all struggling to find love and jobs. The first couple episodes I just sat and laughed at the ridiculousness of the show. The next couple episodes I made fun of how stupid and overly dramatic the show is. And now I am totally loving it! I hate to admit it but this show is addictive. They are all so dramatic and it is great fun! Poor Kelly has the worst life, everything that could go wrong, goes wrong in her life. Valerie is a horrible person and yet Kim loves her. Steve is a really big dork and is given the worst lines. David and Donna are exactly the same characters that they were when I used to watch the high school episodes in the early 90's. Brandon is like a little puppy dog running around trying to make everyone else happy. On a good note, Hilary Swank just entered the show and she is a breath of fresh air amongst the cheesiness of the show.

This is my life now: A lot of sleeping interrupted by episodes of 90210. Welcome to my vacation.

Poop

I have been a part of the NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) which means that I have posted something on my blog every single day during the month of November. At first, I had a lot to write and it was fun but now I am tired and can't think of anything to write. So, you get to hear me complain about not having much to write and I am so sorry.

I have now been in the states for almost a week and I am enjoying my time here. I have had a really hard time sleeping because of the time difference and I am exhausted. Every night I fall asleep pretty quickly and then by 2am (5pm in Thailand) I am wide awake. It is very annoying! On top of that, my body is in protest over the climate change. I went from hot and humid to cold and very dry. I have a head cold and I think a sinus infection as well. It is not fun but luckily I am on vacation so I can rest a lot.

Tonight Tamara and I went to Target. I have been building myself up for a Target visit since I arrived and it wasn't as hard as I thought. I was shocked at the prices of everything, which is funny because I used to think that Target was so cheap. I discovered that I am now a much more selective shopper and all I ended up with was Nyquil (the generic brand) and Sudafed (also generic brand). The best part of the whole trip though was when Tam and I were in the medicine aisle and Tamara says, "What is that smell? It smells strongly of poop right here. I have to get out of here." Then she ran out of the aisle. My nose is so stuffed up that I couldn't smell it but apparently it was strong enough to send her running. I stood there laughing to myself and probably looking quite funny to those around me. It was one of those moments that seems unimportant and yet I will store it away in my memory to laugh about six months from now when I am missing Tamara.

I love my sister!

So Proud

I'm so lucky to have friends who so closely resemble dinosaurs.

P.S. Watch Tam's hand at the end. Hilarious!

Everything is Different

Everything here in America is different. Not just some things but everything.

When I stand in a crowd of people, I can understand everything that is being said around me. It is exhausting and sometimes disturbing. People use A LOT of bad language here. I never noticed it before, probably because I was so used to it, but now I notice it.

Drivers are very rude and only seem to care about themselves. There is no slowing down so others can pass or waving thanks to someone as you go by. People here use their horns to be rude (and often throw in the middle finger for added affect) instead of using their horns to warn that they are passing. There is so much anger.

Teenagers are living in a completely different world than I remember living in when I was a teenager. I feel sorry for them.

Today I went to the movies and kept expecting the King's Anthem to play before the movie started but it never did. I love that in Thailand!

It is taking a while for me to adjust and I have these moments where I am filled with anxiety and I want to go home and hide. I have spent the past year missing Target but I haven't gone yet because I know that it will be a shock with all the people and all the choices and high prices. Maybe I will try it tomorrow and just get it over with.

Part of this process is driving me crazy but another part is kind of cool. How often do we come face to face with so much proof that we have changed? I find it fascinating and hard at the same time.

Culture Shock

A couple things that are bothering me:

Why does one feel the need to stand on a street corner almost naked unless they are a prostitute? I don't get it. It is winter and freezing outside and yet there is a group of teenage girls standing on the corner in what they consider to be shirts and I consider to be bras. They are screaming about how cold it is and I just want to go tell them that usually putting more on clothes makes one warmer. I realize that living in Thailand has made me more conservative, but I think that even two years ago this would have confused me.

I went to a restaurant on Wednesday with my cousins and there was a woman in there with her daughter who looked to be about 7 years old. She was yelling at the hostess that five minutes was too long to wait for a table for six. The hostess was working hard trying to sit other groups of two or three but couldn't do her job because this lady was yelling at her. And the whole time the daughter was standing looking just as angry as her mother. What kind of example is that? I had been in the country for less than 24 hours and I already had the urge to go back to Thailand where people don't yell at each other, especially for stupid reasons. I don't understand what they think it accomplishes.

Today I stayed inside all day trying to escape the culture shock, but eventually I am going to have to go outside. Why do we live in such a sad world?

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope that you all feel blessed and have been enjoying your day!

Jet Lag

I hate to skimp out on this whole blogging thing again but you are not getting much from me tonight.

I arrived in California last night after being awake for more than fifty hours. I was exhausted and hungry and happy to be at my destination. My cousin Wendy and her husband Joe picked me up and took me to dinner at Chilis. Afterwards we went back to their house and I had my first hot shower in 11 months. It was great! Afterwards I though about going to bed but at midnight my body told me that it was 3pm and woke up. So, I played Xbox with Wendy until 4am at which point I forced myself to go to bed. I was only able to sleep for a couple hours and now it is Wednesday night and I am utterly exhausted. I don't know how I am functioning at this point but I know that I am not doing it well. The culture shock has kicked in and I have already been overwhelmed several times. But I am happy.

On that note, goodnight.

The one with the Old Man

Jen is traveling to the states today so I promised to post something for her.
It has taken me over ten years to find this song she used to sing to me every night before bed, but I have done it. I found our old Choir Teacher and emailed her and thank God she had the answer.
So this one is for you Jenni, I can't wait to see you!
(ignore the dorky Sinead O'Conor video, just listen to the song...)

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I leave my house in eight hours.

It is now 11:30pm and I leave at 7:30am and I have not even started packing yet.

I haven't even pulled my suitcase out yet.

This is called procrastination and I am a professional.

On that note, this is all you are getting from me today...

The Benefits of Coffee

I just had coffee with Sharon, a friend of mine that I haven't seen in about a month. We sat for two hours and talked about our lives while enjoying wonderful coffee and kanome (cookies). It was so good to hang out with her again and catch up. Sharon is someone that I always feel relaxed when I'm around. Granted, I spend a lot of our time together ranting about my life, but I always leave our conversations with a smile on my face and a bit of a spring in my step. Here are some of the things that we talked about that are related to me:

1) Involvement in church. When I first moved to Chiang Mai, I hated every church that I tried. It sounds like an awful thing to say, with the church being God's house and all, but it is true. I tried a lot of churches and none of them met my needs. I ended up at my current church because I made friends with the worship leader. I started helping run the sound system for the services and helped start a youth group (which is now thriving) and before I knew it, I was deeply involved and committed to my church. I became happy there after deciding to meet their needs instead of my own. I still struggle with certain aspects of the church but overall, I am very happy and settled there.

2) Relationships. No more details following, just relationships.

3) Radio Stations. Well, actually just one. Today I was asked to start working as a DJ at a local, government run radio station when I return to Thailand in January. I have never actually listened to the radio in Thailand but Sharon has and so we talked a bit about the station. I am excited about the opportunity and will be praying about it while I am back in the states.

4) Boundaries. And of course, my struggle with them. I won't bore you with this subject again. :)

5) 6 Weeks. Sharon is concerned that six weeks is not a long enough break for me and I really appreciate her concern. Honestly, I don't know if six weeks is the right amount of time or not. I know that six weeks is enough time for me to rest but I don't know if it is enough time for me to recuperate. I have become burnt out on life and I have a lot of healing to do. Is six weeks the right amount of time? Only God knows.

6) Project Christmas Relief. As I hinted yesterday, I spent the day doing some relief work. Yesterday morning I got up really early and drove up the mountain to a hilltribe village. About 200 villagers showed up to our outreach and we were able to give them blankets, toothbrushes, soap, towels, school supplies and a lot of other things that they needed. We also worshiped with them and shared the gospel, which was the main reason that we were there. Forty two people gave their lives to the Lord, it was amazing! I saw people praying for the first time ever and their faces were filled with passion and emotion like I have never seen. I hope that I never forget that sight. We also baptized 20 people that had made recent commitments to the Lord and had been taught about baptism. I was asked along as the official photographer for the group and took a total of 887 pictures. I had a blast! But the best part about the day was that I was once again filled with a passion for the people. People often think that being a missionary means never taking your eye off the goal but, really it is extremely easy to become comfortable in ministry and lose sight of why I am here. I need to be taken out of my daily schedule now and then and be reminded of why I am here. Yesterday did that for me and I'm so glad to have had this experience right before heading back to the states. I have posted some of my photos on my Flickr site, click on the link on the right to see them.

It was so wonderful to sit with a friend and talk, I need to make more time to this in my life!

Recap

Recap of my fantastic day:

1) lost my shoes
2) took 887 photos
3) got a bad sunburn
4) watched and photographed 42 people accepting Christ
5) stood knee deep in a river for 30 minutes
6) watched and photographed 20 baptisms
7) experienced a van ride from hell and lived
8) witnessed someone vomiting repeatedly
9) drank 5 glasses of sweet tea in 45 minutes
10) spoke a lot of Thai

Stay tuned for more details.

To My Friends In San Diego

Last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep but being totally unsuccessful because my brain was spinning on all the details of my trip to the states in a few days. I was thinking about my friends and how I have really amazing friends in San Diego that I am so anxious to see and I remembered something that happened a little while ago.

Warning: You are about to take another venture into my vulnerable ramblings about my counseling appointments. (I know that most people are ashamed of counseling and find it odd that I freely share my thoughts about it on this blog, I just can't help but be amazed at the things I learn there.)

At my first appointment back in September, my counselors and I just got to know each other and didn't really go too deep into my life. So as I drove to my second appointment, I gave myself a little pep talk. I knew that the appointment was going to dig deeper into my thoughts and feelings and would probably be be a little difficult and painful. I told myself that I couldn't cry when talking about my life. My defense mechanism is not to cry because I once I start, I am afraid that I won't stop. So I told myself just to be strong and get through the appointment. I sat there talking to my counselors about the hard things in my life that have made me who I am today. We talked about family issues and my sister's death and I didn't shed a tear. I was strong and I was proud of myself. Then my counselor asked me a question about my friends in San Diego and suddenly I started to cry. I tried to stop but I couldn't and I could not talk because I was crying too much. My counselor said that it was okay because she understood why I was crying. I thought this was amazing because I didn't even know why I was crying and I managed to ask her why, through my tears. She said that I probably felt like over the past year and a half, I have not only lost my sister but my friends also. She said that I was grieving the loss of those relationships because even though they were still there, they had changed enough for me to feel loss. At this point I started crying even harder and through my tears managed to croak out how wonderful my friends are and how I felt blessed beyond measure to have them in my life and how I missed them every day. We talked through my feelings a bit and I left my appointment but for the rest of that day, every time I thought about my friends, I started to cry again.

It all comes down to this: I love you guys more than you will ever know and I often wish I was in San Diego with you guys. God has to kick me in the butt on a very regular basis and remind that I am being selfish and need to stop thinking so much about what I want. So, although I suck at keeping in touch, please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I can't wait to see you all in a few days! You are the best friends a girl could ask for!

Speed

My internet connection is really bad and I probably only have a couple minutes until I lose it but I wanted to post something in the couple minutes I have.

I've been watching CSI:Miami and I just started the 3rd season. I can't believe that Tim Speedle just died! Poor Speed, my heart is broken.

Why is it that I get so attached to characters in tv shows and books? When one of them dies, it seriously affects me. Weird.

Okay, I better post this before I lose my connection. Oh, and I am going to San Diego in five days. :)

Grand Opening

Last week while cleaning, Wor found a picture of the 2nd level of The Centre on move-in day three years ago. On the bottom of the picture, the old directors had written that some day that level would be a coffee shop. It was dream that they had and passed on to the rest of us. It was a dream that we couldn't afford but hoped some day would come true. Here is a picture of the 2nd level two years ago when I started working at The Centre:

Here is a picture of the 2nd level one month ago:

Here are pictures of the 2nd level today:

Today was our grand opening of our new coffee shop, three years in the making. I made enchiladas, we had cakes and muffins and of course, coffee and tea. It was a blast! Check out my flickr site for pictures of the party. Here is a picture of the group at the party:

And here is a picture of the team from San Diego that made this all possible:

We are so excited about this new ministry opportunity. Thanks for all your hard work CVCF team!

Yahoo for new coffee shops!!!

Responsible for or to?

Today I had a two hour counseling appointment, not because that was the time slot but because that is how long it took to barely break the surface on a conversation about boundaries. I apparently have boundary issues. I feel responsible for the happiness of my loved ones and this is a bad thing. It is okay to feel responsible "to" someone but not responsible "for" someone. The only person that I can feel responsible for is myself. This is a hard truth for me.

It amazes me how a trained person can pick up on the little things hidden in sentences that you say that reveal so much about you. We were talking about some things that happened when I was growing up and the following is an example of her picking up on something that I didn't even realize I was saying.

me: "...I needed to take care of my little sister...."
counselor: "What do you mean by 'take care of'?"
me: "I needed to make sure that she was okay, that she was happy, that she was not being hurt by the things going on around her. I needed to protect her."
counselor: "Protect her from what?"
me: "From the world, our older sister, guilt, anger, everything that was happening."
counselor: "So you felt responsible for your sister's safety and happiness?"
me: "yes"
counselor: "Why?"
me: "Because she is my little sister and I love her and if I don't take care of her, she may get hurt."
counselor: "Now you are talking in the present tense. Do you still feel responsible for your little sister?"
me: "yes, only now I am not doing a very good job because I live on the other side of the world."
counselor: "How does that make you feel?"
me: ...pause... "guilty, very guilty."

As you can imagine, the conversation just went on and on. My eyes were opened to the fact that I cannot make my sister or my parents or my friends happy and safe. I can love them but they are responsible for their own happiness and safety. This is really really hard for me. I worry about the people that I love all the time, especially when they are unhappy. I want to make them happy and am willing to do whatever it takes to get them there.

My thoughts are all mushy right now because of everything going through my head . But I do know that somehow I need to switch to feeling responsible to love others but not responsible for them. I have a rough road ahead of me...

I realize that this was a bit of a vulnerable post and I am sorry if that made any of you uncomfortable. I have a feeling though that most of you that read my blog are comfortable enough hearing what I have to say. Thanks for reading and please pray for me.

Holy Cow!

So I'm sitting in my house feeling completely normal when all of the sidden it hits me that I am leaving Thailand in one week. Holy cow! This is a big deal! I am leaving my life for six weeks which may not sound like a long time but it is a LONG time to be gone from your life. I have so much to do! Here is a partial list of what needs done:

pack
clean my house
prepare my house for guests
do laundry
get my motorbike fixed
prepare my garden
shop for Christmas presents and things people have asked me to bring them
take Gracie to the vet
get Gracie cut and groomed
buy six weeks worth of supplies for Gracie
finish all my work at The Centre that needs to be done in the six weeks I'm gone
finish typing up addresses for my newsletters
email my travel agent
figure out my schedule for when I am in the states
buy plane tickets
pay bills
say goodbye to people
live my normal day to day life

This is what I just came up with off the top of my head, there is more. I have a busy week ahead of me!

And I am so excited for this trip!!! Yahoo! (Can you feel the excitement?)

Naps: Helpful or Hurtful?

I am exhausted. Today my alarm went off at 6:30am and I wanted to cry because I was so tired. But I got up, got ready, went to church, ran the sound, sat and had coffee with friends and somehow made it back home again. I sat and did some work for about an hour before I couldn't help but crawl back into bed. And I slept. And I slept. And I slept for three hours. It is now almost 6:30pm and I am barely awake. Isn't it amazing how naps sometimes leave us feeling more tired than before? I am struggling to stay awake and my plans for the evening have totally been cancelled. It is going to be an early night.

Sorry that this may be the most boring post ever, but I am too tired to come up with anything cute or witty today.

Goodnight.

Am I Cool?

Do you remember being in high school and being so completely insecure that you often wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out until you were an adult? Well, I remember it. It has been over ten years since I graduated from high school, but I still remember feeling so unimportant and completely uncool. I also remember realizing somewhere in my mid-20s that it didn't matter anymore whether other people thought I was cool or not. I was comfortable with myself and liked who I was and that is what mattered. Having said that, I have to admit that every once in awhile insecurity will creep in and I will feel completely uncool. I'll look around me and ask myself, "Am I cool?" Today I had one of those moments and here is the proof:

Hallelujah!

For the past (almost) two years I have posting blogs on a site that it completely in Thai. Sometimes I hit a wrong button and my blog disappears and I have no idea how to get it back because I cannot read Thai. I have had my Thai friends sit down and try to figure it out for me and they have all told me that there is no way to change the language. I was stuck and bitterly accepted it. Just now, I found a new button on my page and decided to click it to see what would happen. And praise the Lord, I now have English! Hallelujah!!!

Garbage

The other day I was driving my motorbike through Chiang Mai and I decided to try and find a shortcut. The old city of Chiang Mai exists inside of a moat and the new city of Chiang Mai exists for miles outside of it. The moat is beautiful to look at, especially the places where the old city walls are still standing, although crumbled.

But when it comes to driving, the moat makes me crazy. On the outside of the moat, traffic is one way and on the inside, traffic is the opposite way. So whenever I want to get somewhere in that area, I end up having to cross bridges and do u-turns. It is especially annoying when I can see where I want to go but I can't get there because of the water and the next bridge seems so far away. It is all very hard to explain, but trust me, it is very annoying. Anyway, the other day I was attempting to avoid the moat as much as possible and still get to my to my destination. So I just started turning down streets and finding new paths. I was enjoying myself because I love the sights here in Chiang Mai. I love how the old mixes in with the new. There may be an old temple that has been there for hundreds of years and next to it is a brand new hotel being built. I find it fascinating and it never ceases to amaze me. I was driving along and I turned down a street and was overcome by the smell of garbage. It was so strong that I had to hold my breath. Up ahead on my right was a mound of trash so tall that it towered over the buildings around it. People were walking and crawling through it looking for treasures that somebody else through out. I was stunned because I had never seen anything like that in Chiang Mai. The rest of the street was completely normal. The were markets and open air restaurants right next to it. Suddenly the city that I find so beautiful had a blemish. I am not sure why but the image of that street has stuck with me for the past few days. It was not the first time I have seen garbage like that or people rooting through it and yet, I can't get it out of my head. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe God directed me down that street. I have become comfortable in Chiang Mai, it is my home. Everywhere I look, I see beauty and sometimes I forget about the poverty here. I forget about the underlying evil and the hold that Satan has on this city. Sometimes I forget about all the lost souls. I drive by them every day on the way to wherever I am going and I forget to really look around me and pray for those people. That pile of trash reminded me of these things and I am glad that I saw it. Now when I drive or walk down the street, I pray for those that I pass and I pray for the city of Chiang Mai to be delivered, for a revival to happen in this place and all over the world.

It is amazing what a pile of trash can do, huh?

76% Frozen

Tonight on my way home I saw a motorbike with a home-made side car built onto the side. The motorbike had three people on it and the side car had five people in it. That is a total of eight people using a vehicle that is meant for a maximum of two people. I don't know how it was moving. Had I not been 76% frozen from the cold air rushing past me on my own motorbike, I would have tried to get a picture. One thing is for sure, those people were a lot warmer than I was...

The Artist In Me

Today I was talking to a new friend and I said something about taking pictures. She said, "Oh, are you a photographer?" I smiled, laughed a little and said, "I dream of being a photographer. I like to go out and pretend that I am a photographer but really I am just a girl with a camera." She then laughed and said, "Oh, you really love it. Your face just lit up like I haven't seen it light up before. What do you love about it?"...

What do I love about taking pictures? Everything. I love when I am driving down the road and I see something that makes me pull over because I will probably never get that shot again. I love it when I see ordinary things like gas station signs, trees, dogs, traffic lights and the way that the light is hitting them turns them into something extraordinary. I love the process of taking many shots trying to get the camera to capture exactly what my eye saw without it. I love the way people are drawn to things in pictures that they never take the time to stop and look at in regular life. I love it when I can capture someone's personality in a photo; when you look at it later and know that is exactly who they are. I love that taking pictures forces me to slow down and enjoy my life and everything in it. I love that when I look through my camera, I can say that I am an artist and actually believe myself.

And that is what I love about taking pictures.

Random Thoughts At The End Of The Day

I don't have one specific thing on my mind right now but I know that I if I don't post something today, I will hear about it from Tamara and Katie. I was told that I was not allowed to fail at this NaBloPoMo thing which means that I have to post every single day, even if I don't know what to write about.

I feel sorry for those of you that read this. Really I do. I am sorry. :)

These are my random thoughts at the end of the day:


1) My friend Machelle has introduced me to a 10pm bed time and I am starting to think that she may be the one of the smartest people on the planet. Gracie and I have been spending the night at her place a lot and we have been going to bed when she goes to bed. I wake up so much more refreshed when I go to bed at 10pm instead of my regular 2am bed time. I am going to try to apply this to my life on a more regular basis. Of course, it is already after 10pm now so I will start tomorrow.

2) Speaking of Machelle, I am thinking of moving in with her. There are many pros and cons to the move and I am not sure which list is longer. Machelle is my closest friend here and the person that keeps me sane when I feel like the chaos of my life is overtaking me. She has a wonderful house with air conditioning, a western style kitchen and hot water that runs through the pipes. Those are three precious things that my house does not have. She has two wonderful dogs whom I love and whom my dog Gracie gets along with splendidly. There are so many other great things about living there and I don't want to bore you. The downside is that the rent is more expensive than my house. If Machelle and I lived there together, I would be paying less. But, Machelle has applied for a job that may have her moving out of the country next April or May. If she leaves, I would be stuck with the rent by myself and I don't know if that is a smart move. Also, her house is a lot farther from The Centre than where I live right now. It takes me about 25 minutes on my bike to make the commute. That may not sound like a long time but it is a long time on a motor bike. The biggest draw to this move is that I would no longer be living by myself.

3) My poor dog has had a heck of a week. Last Tuesday I took her in to get spayed and then spent the whole week carrying her around and making many trips to the vet. Everything got infected and she couldn't walk and she wouldn't eat. It was not fun. Finally on Monday she perked up, started eating and started running and playing again. Yesterday I took her to the vet to get her stitches out and to get a set of vaccinations. Today she has slept all day long and is so sore from the vaccinations that she can't run or jump. Once again, I am carrying my dog everywhere. It is very sad.

4) I leave for America in 13 days.


5)I think way too much and I drive myself crazy. I wish there was a switch where I could turn my thoughts off when they get out of control. I think that sometimes I do more damage than help by thinking too much.


6) I love to read. I just finished another book this morning and I am very excited to start a new one. The other day I was reading and Machelle asked me how many books I am in the middle of. I answered truthfully that I am in the middle of four books. She said I was crazy for reading more than one book at a time. I thought that I was normal. Am I?


7) On that note, I am going to go read until I fall asleep. Actually, I have never fallen asleep while reading. When I read, I get so into the story that there is no way my mind can relax and sleep. What I am really going to do is go read until I find myself at a good stopping place, at which point I will put the book down and go to sleep.

Goodnight.

It's My Life

Today I was driving and snapped this picture of the street behind me. It's not a great picture but it is a portrayal of my life. The other day I was telling a friend that at least of few times a week I stop and look around me in awe. I can't believe that this is my life. I have been living here for two years and I am still surprised that I am here. This picture of the street is not a normal sight in California but it is a normal every day sight here in Chiang Mai.

This is my life.

How cool is that?!

What if I've changed too much?

I am going back to the states two weeks from tomorrow and I have these weird, conflicting emotions about going home that I don't know what to do with.

Most of me is extremely excited and counting down the days. For the past couple months, whenever I hear someone from home talk about their life or see pictures of people back home, my heart breaks a little. There is a part of me that wants that normal life with normal people and normal happenings so badly. So I am looking forward to being back in the states and pretending like my life is normal again for a little while. I can't wait to see my family, my friends and my dogs. I am looking forward to eating American food and being overwhelmed by the fact that I can understand almost everything being said around me. I am excited about walking into a grocery store and being able to read the signs and ingredients on bottles. I am looking forward to Doritos and Taco Bell. I am really looking forward to sleeping, alot.

But there is a small part of me that is nervous about going home and that part seems to grow a little bigger each week. It is hard to explain and it doesn't make much sense but I have a fear that I will no longer fit in, that I have been gone too long to slide back into the place where I used to belong. This life and this ministry that I am living in Thailand has changed me a lot and I worry that maybe it has changed me too much. What if I think too differently from those back home? What if I communicate differently now and we can no longer understand eachother? What if I can't remember the English word for something? What if I talk too slow out of habit and people laugh at me? What if the culture shock is just too overwhelming and I want to hide and not go outside?

What if I love it so much that I don't want to come back to Thailand?

Hope

Hope is a powerful thing.

Have you ever noticed how much it affects your day? If I wake up in the morning feeling hopeful about my day, then no matter what happens, the day will turn out pretty good. If I wake up in the morning feeling hopeless, the whole days goes downhill from there.

I have been dealing with some depression this year and it has gotten worse over the past few months. (Admitting that on this blog is really hard for me to do.) My depression has affected my sleep pattern and has caused me to have a recurring nightmare. Some nights I fight even going to sleep and force myself to stay awake because I don't want to have the dream. The problem with this dream is that I wake up from it feeling completely hopeless about life in general. I have no desire to enter my day because every part of me knows that nothing good could come out of the day after having that dream. I have no hope.

I have been seeing a counselor for a couple months now and it has really helped to talk through things with her. One of the results of having someone to talk to is that I haven't had my nightmare in a few weeks. I have been falling asleep at night and not waking up until the morning. When I wake up, I have hope that the day ahead of me could be amazing. There are endless possibilities ahead of me simply because I have hope.

Hope is a powerful thing.

*This is actually my post from yesterday that for some reason I was not able to post. I haven't failed at blogging everyday, I haven't!!! :)

Will you become bored of me one day?

Today I had lunch with my friend, Mel and somehow we got on the subject of whether or not her and her husband ever get tired of each other. They live together, they work together, they hang out together and they are almost never apart. I told her that I can't imagine being around one person that much and I might get tired of that person. She said that they don't get tired of eachother, they just love eachother and cannot get enough of eachother. I said that is really cool but I don't think that I could do it. Mel said that I just haven't found the right person yet but when I do, I won't be able to get enough of them.

That conversation led to a discussion about when I am going to get married. All the singles reading this, don't you love it when people say "When are you going to get married?" They act like we could just pick a date on the calendar and by then we will find our prince charming and be married. If it were that easy, there would be a lot more happy couples in this world. Anyway, when living in a foreign country and talking about marriage, people always ask if I want to marry a farang (foreigner, westerner) or a Thai. Sometimes I wonder if I missed an application somewhere with a box where I am supposed to check farang or Thai. Apparently I am already supposed to know the answer to this question and I just don't. If I knew who I was going to marry, this whole subject would be easier to talk about.

That question led to a discussion about the pros and cons of marrying Thais versus farangs. The biggest problem with marrying a farang while here on the mission field is that there are no single, western guys out here. I am not sure why but single men do not seem to be drawn to the mission field. The problem with marrying a Thai person is the cultural differences. I spend every day struggling to communicate with everyone around me and I can't imagine doing that with my husband.

At this point in the conversation I said, "I can't believe we have been talking about marriage for so long. What started this?" We both laughed and started talking about other things, but the question still remains in my mind: How can you spend so much time with a person and not grow tired of them?

On that note, Tamara just told me that I need to join NaBloPoMo which means that I will be blogging every single day during the November. Except for yesterday and the day before of course. Will you become bored of me?