What then?

What if your slept?
And what if in your sleep, you dreamed?
And what if in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower?
And what if, when you woke, you had the flower in your hand?
Ah! What then?

-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

This might seem like a strange thing to post, but I love it! The main reason that I read so much is because I love to exercise my imagination. And for some reason, every time I read this, my imagination goes crazy. I love it!

Friends Are Friends Forever

Have I mentioned before that I have really great friends? Well, I do.

Last night I had dinner with Tam and Wendy. We ate and talked for a long time. Today I had coffee with Katie and was able to sit and chat with her about life which was great. Although, it was not nearly long enough and next time I am going to need at least a four hour block of time to sit and talk with her. (Put that on your calendar Katie.) Tonight I had dinner with Tam and Erin and then shopped a little bit which was really just an excuse to hang out longer. Tomorrow I am having dinner with Katie and this weekend I am having a slumber party with Erin. I am also getting together with Rachel this weekend whom I haven't seen since she moved away from Thailand in February. And next week I have plans to see many more friends. I feel loved and so happy to see all my wonderful friends!

I have really great friends!

Ode to Wendy

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Wendy's so cool,
And I wish that I could see her every day instead of just a couple times a year.

Wendy,
Thanks for your friendship, you are an amazing sense of strength for me. There have been so many times over the past year when I have been struggling and just getting an email from you has made me smile. Thanks for waiting for me to come to your desk today (with the territory issue) and then letting me sit and talk to you. Thanks for making it so easy to talk you into eating dinner with me tonight and then ice cream afterwards. Thanks for talking for hours instead of going home to Ginger and laundry and packing. And thanks for inviting me to be a Wild (or mild) Woman. You are a fantastic friend!

Love,
Jane

90210

Tamara and Kim are addicted to reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 and since I am staying in their house, I have been watching them too. Right now they are in the year after graduating from college and they are all struggling to find love and jobs. The first couple episodes I just sat and laughed at the ridiculousness of the show. The next couple episodes I made fun of how stupid and overly dramatic the show is. And now I am totally loving it! I hate to admit it but this show is addictive. They are all so dramatic and it is great fun! Poor Kelly has the worst life, everything that could go wrong, goes wrong in her life. Valerie is a horrible person and yet Kim loves her. Steve is a really big dork and is given the worst lines. David and Donna are exactly the same characters that they were when I used to watch the high school episodes in the early 90's. Brandon is like a little puppy dog running around trying to make everyone else happy. On a good note, Hilary Swank just entered the show and she is a breath of fresh air amongst the cheesiness of the show.

This is my life now: A lot of sleeping interrupted by episodes of 90210. Welcome to my vacation.

Poop

I have been a part of the NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) which means that I have posted something on my blog every single day during the month of November. At first, I had a lot to write and it was fun but now I am tired and can't think of anything to write. So, you get to hear me complain about not having much to write and I am so sorry.

I have now been in the states for almost a week and I am enjoying my time here. I have had a really hard time sleeping because of the time difference and I am exhausted. Every night I fall asleep pretty quickly and then by 2am (5pm in Thailand) I am wide awake. It is very annoying! On top of that, my body is in protest over the climate change. I went from hot and humid to cold and very dry. I have a head cold and I think a sinus infection as well. It is not fun but luckily I am on vacation so I can rest a lot.

Tonight Tamara and I went to Target. I have been building myself up for a Target visit since I arrived and it wasn't as hard as I thought. I was shocked at the prices of everything, which is funny because I used to think that Target was so cheap. I discovered that I am now a much more selective shopper and all I ended up with was Nyquil (the generic brand) and Sudafed (also generic brand). The best part of the whole trip though was when Tam and I were in the medicine aisle and Tamara says, "What is that smell? It smells strongly of poop right here. I have to get out of here." Then she ran out of the aisle. My nose is so stuffed up that I couldn't smell it but apparently it was strong enough to send her running. I stood there laughing to myself and probably looking quite funny to those around me. It was one of those moments that seems unimportant and yet I will store it away in my memory to laugh about six months from now when I am missing Tamara.

I love my sister!

So Proud

I'm so lucky to have friends who so closely resemble dinosaurs.

P.S. Watch Tam's hand at the end. Hilarious!

Everything is Different

Everything here in America is different. Not just some things but everything.

When I stand in a crowd of people, I can understand everything that is being said around me. It is exhausting and sometimes disturbing. People use A LOT of bad language here. I never noticed it before, probably because I was so used to it, but now I notice it.

Drivers are very rude and only seem to care about themselves. There is no slowing down so others can pass or waving thanks to someone as you go by. People here use their horns to be rude (and often throw in the middle finger for added affect) instead of using their horns to warn that they are passing. There is so much anger.

Teenagers are living in a completely different world than I remember living in when I was a teenager. I feel sorry for them.

Today I went to the movies and kept expecting the King's Anthem to play before the movie started but it never did. I love that in Thailand!

It is taking a while for me to adjust and I have these moments where I am filled with anxiety and I want to go home and hide. I have spent the past year missing Target but I haven't gone yet because I know that it will be a shock with all the people and all the choices and high prices. Maybe I will try it tomorrow and just get it over with.

Part of this process is driving me crazy but another part is kind of cool. How often do we come face to face with so much proof that we have changed? I find it fascinating and hard at the same time.

Culture Shock

A couple things that are bothering me:

Why does one feel the need to stand on a street corner almost naked unless they are a prostitute? I don't get it. It is winter and freezing outside and yet there is a group of teenage girls standing on the corner in what they consider to be shirts and I consider to be bras. They are screaming about how cold it is and I just want to go tell them that usually putting more on clothes makes one warmer. I realize that living in Thailand has made me more conservative, but I think that even two years ago this would have confused me.

I went to a restaurant on Wednesday with my cousins and there was a woman in there with her daughter who looked to be about 7 years old. She was yelling at the hostess that five minutes was too long to wait for a table for six. The hostess was working hard trying to sit other groups of two or three but couldn't do her job because this lady was yelling at her. And the whole time the daughter was standing looking just as angry as her mother. What kind of example is that? I had been in the country for less than 24 hours and I already had the urge to go back to Thailand where people don't yell at each other, especially for stupid reasons. I don't understand what they think it accomplishes.

Today I stayed inside all day trying to escape the culture shock, but eventually I am going to have to go outside. Why do we live in such a sad world?

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope that you all feel blessed and have been enjoying your day!

Jet Lag

I hate to skimp out on this whole blogging thing again but you are not getting much from me tonight.

I arrived in California last night after being awake for more than fifty hours. I was exhausted and hungry and happy to be at my destination. My cousin Wendy and her husband Joe picked me up and took me to dinner at Chilis. Afterwards we went back to their house and I had my first hot shower in 11 months. It was great! Afterwards I though about going to bed but at midnight my body told me that it was 3pm and woke up. So, I played Xbox with Wendy until 4am at which point I forced myself to go to bed. I was only able to sleep for a couple hours and now it is Wednesday night and I am utterly exhausted. I don't know how I am functioning at this point but I know that I am not doing it well. The culture shock has kicked in and I have already been overwhelmed several times. But I am happy.

On that note, goodnight.

The one with the Old Man

Jen is traveling to the states today so I promised to post something for her.
It has taken me over ten years to find this song she used to sing to me every night before bed, but I have done it. I found our old Choir Teacher and emailed her and thank God she had the answer.
So this one is for you Jenni, I can't wait to see you!
(ignore the dorky Sinead O'Conor video, just listen to the song...)

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I leave my house in eight hours.

It is now 11:30pm and I leave at 7:30am and I have not even started packing yet.

I haven't even pulled my suitcase out yet.

This is called procrastination and I am a professional.

On that note, this is all you are getting from me today...

The Benefits of Coffee

I just had coffee with Sharon, a friend of mine that I haven't seen in about a month. We sat for two hours and talked about our lives while enjoying wonderful coffee and kanome (cookies). It was so good to hang out with her again and catch up. Sharon is someone that I always feel relaxed when I'm around. Granted, I spend a lot of our time together ranting about my life, but I always leave our conversations with a smile on my face and a bit of a spring in my step. Here are some of the things that we talked about that are related to me:

1) Involvement in church. When I first moved to Chiang Mai, I hated every church that I tried. It sounds like an awful thing to say, with the church being God's house and all, but it is true. I tried a lot of churches and none of them met my needs. I ended up at my current church because I made friends with the worship leader. I started helping run the sound system for the services and helped start a youth group (which is now thriving) and before I knew it, I was deeply involved and committed to my church. I became happy there after deciding to meet their needs instead of my own. I still struggle with certain aspects of the church but overall, I am very happy and settled there.

2) Relationships. No more details following, just relationships.

3) Radio Stations. Well, actually just one. Today I was asked to start working as a DJ at a local, government run radio station when I return to Thailand in January. I have never actually listened to the radio in Thailand but Sharon has and so we talked a bit about the station. I am excited about the opportunity and will be praying about it while I am back in the states.

4) Boundaries. And of course, my struggle with them. I won't bore you with this subject again. :)

5) 6 Weeks. Sharon is concerned that six weeks is not a long enough break for me and I really appreciate her concern. Honestly, I don't know if six weeks is the right amount of time or not. I know that six weeks is enough time for me to rest but I don't know if it is enough time for me to recuperate. I have become burnt out on life and I have a lot of healing to do. Is six weeks the right amount of time? Only God knows.

6) Project Christmas Relief. As I hinted yesterday, I spent the day doing some relief work. Yesterday morning I got up really early and drove up the mountain to a hilltribe village. About 200 villagers showed up to our outreach and we were able to give them blankets, toothbrushes, soap, towels, school supplies and a lot of other things that they needed. We also worshiped with them and shared the gospel, which was the main reason that we were there. Forty two people gave their lives to the Lord, it was amazing! I saw people praying for the first time ever and their faces were filled with passion and emotion like I have never seen. I hope that I never forget that sight. We also baptized 20 people that had made recent commitments to the Lord and had been taught about baptism. I was asked along as the official photographer for the group and took a total of 887 pictures. I had a blast! But the best part about the day was that I was once again filled with a passion for the people. People often think that being a missionary means never taking your eye off the goal but, really it is extremely easy to become comfortable in ministry and lose sight of why I am here. I need to be taken out of my daily schedule now and then and be reminded of why I am here. Yesterday did that for me and I'm so glad to have had this experience right before heading back to the states. I have posted some of my photos on my Flickr site, click on the link on the right to see them.

It was so wonderful to sit with a friend and talk, I need to make more time to this in my life!

Recap

Recap of my fantastic day:

1) lost my shoes
2) took 887 photos
3) got a bad sunburn
4) watched and photographed 42 people accepting Christ
5) stood knee deep in a river for 30 minutes
6) watched and photographed 20 baptisms
7) experienced a van ride from hell and lived
8) witnessed someone vomiting repeatedly
9) drank 5 glasses of sweet tea in 45 minutes
10) spoke a lot of Thai

Stay tuned for more details.

To My Friends In San Diego

Last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep but being totally unsuccessful because my brain was spinning on all the details of my trip to the states in a few days. I was thinking about my friends and how I have really amazing friends in San Diego that I am so anxious to see and I remembered something that happened a little while ago.

Warning: You are about to take another venture into my vulnerable ramblings about my counseling appointments. (I know that most people are ashamed of counseling and find it odd that I freely share my thoughts about it on this blog, I just can't help but be amazed at the things I learn there.)

At my first appointment back in September, my counselors and I just got to know each other and didn't really go too deep into my life. So as I drove to my second appointment, I gave myself a little pep talk. I knew that the appointment was going to dig deeper into my thoughts and feelings and would probably be be a little difficult and painful. I told myself that I couldn't cry when talking about my life. My defense mechanism is not to cry because I once I start, I am afraid that I won't stop. So I told myself just to be strong and get through the appointment. I sat there talking to my counselors about the hard things in my life that have made me who I am today. We talked about family issues and my sister's death and I didn't shed a tear. I was strong and I was proud of myself. Then my counselor asked me a question about my friends in San Diego and suddenly I started to cry. I tried to stop but I couldn't and I could not talk because I was crying too much. My counselor said that it was okay because she understood why I was crying. I thought this was amazing because I didn't even know why I was crying and I managed to ask her why, through my tears. She said that I probably felt like over the past year and a half, I have not only lost my sister but my friends also. She said that I was grieving the loss of those relationships because even though they were still there, they had changed enough for me to feel loss. At this point I started crying even harder and through my tears managed to croak out how wonderful my friends are and how I felt blessed beyond measure to have them in my life and how I missed them every day. We talked through my feelings a bit and I left my appointment but for the rest of that day, every time I thought about my friends, I started to cry again.

It all comes down to this: I love you guys more than you will ever know and I often wish I was in San Diego with you guys. God has to kick me in the butt on a very regular basis and remind that I am being selfish and need to stop thinking so much about what I want. So, although I suck at keeping in touch, please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I can't wait to see you all in a few days! You are the best friends a girl could ask for!

Speed

My internet connection is really bad and I probably only have a couple minutes until I lose it but I wanted to post something in the couple minutes I have.

I've been watching CSI:Miami and I just started the 3rd season. I can't believe that Tim Speedle just died! Poor Speed, my heart is broken.

Why is it that I get so attached to characters in tv shows and books? When one of them dies, it seriously affects me. Weird.

Okay, I better post this before I lose my connection. Oh, and I am going to San Diego in five days. :)

Grand Opening

Last week while cleaning, Wor found a picture of the 2nd level of The Centre on move-in day three years ago. On the bottom of the picture, the old directors had written that some day that level would be a coffee shop. It was dream that they had and passed on to the rest of us. It was a dream that we couldn't afford but hoped some day would come true. Here is a picture of the 2nd level two years ago when I started working at The Centre:

Here is a picture of the 2nd level one month ago:

Here are pictures of the 2nd level today:

Today was our grand opening of our new coffee shop, three years in the making. I made enchiladas, we had cakes and muffins and of course, coffee and tea. It was a blast! Check out my flickr site for pictures of the party. Here is a picture of the group at the party:

And here is a picture of the team from San Diego that made this all possible:

We are so excited about this new ministry opportunity. Thanks for all your hard work CVCF team!

Yahoo for new coffee shops!!!

Responsible for or to?

Today I had a two hour counseling appointment, not because that was the time slot but because that is how long it took to barely break the surface on a conversation about boundaries. I apparently have boundary issues. I feel responsible for the happiness of my loved ones and this is a bad thing. It is okay to feel responsible "to" someone but not responsible "for" someone. The only person that I can feel responsible for is myself. This is a hard truth for me.

It amazes me how a trained person can pick up on the little things hidden in sentences that you say that reveal so much about you. We were talking about some things that happened when I was growing up and the following is an example of her picking up on something that I didn't even realize I was saying.

me: "...I needed to take care of my little sister...."
counselor: "What do you mean by 'take care of'?"
me: "I needed to make sure that she was okay, that she was happy, that she was not being hurt by the things going on around her. I needed to protect her."
counselor: "Protect her from what?"
me: "From the world, our older sister, guilt, anger, everything that was happening."
counselor: "So you felt responsible for your sister's safety and happiness?"
me: "yes"
counselor: "Why?"
me: "Because she is my little sister and I love her and if I don't take care of her, she may get hurt."
counselor: "Now you are talking in the present tense. Do you still feel responsible for your little sister?"
me: "yes, only now I am not doing a very good job because I live on the other side of the world."
counselor: "How does that make you feel?"
me: ...pause... "guilty, very guilty."

As you can imagine, the conversation just went on and on. My eyes were opened to the fact that I cannot make my sister or my parents or my friends happy and safe. I can love them but they are responsible for their own happiness and safety. This is really really hard for me. I worry about the people that I love all the time, especially when they are unhappy. I want to make them happy and am willing to do whatever it takes to get them there.

My thoughts are all mushy right now because of everything going through my head . But I do know that somehow I need to switch to feeling responsible to love others but not responsible for them. I have a rough road ahead of me...

I realize that this was a bit of a vulnerable post and I am sorry if that made any of you uncomfortable. I have a feeling though that most of you that read my blog are comfortable enough hearing what I have to say. Thanks for reading and please pray for me.

Holy Cow!

So I'm sitting in my house feeling completely normal when all of the sidden it hits me that I am leaving Thailand in one week. Holy cow! This is a big deal! I am leaving my life for six weeks which may not sound like a long time but it is a LONG time to be gone from your life. I have so much to do! Here is a partial list of what needs done:

pack
clean my house
prepare my house for guests
do laundry
get my motorbike fixed
prepare my garden
shop for Christmas presents and things people have asked me to bring them
take Gracie to the vet
get Gracie cut and groomed
buy six weeks worth of supplies for Gracie
finish all my work at The Centre that needs to be done in the six weeks I'm gone
finish typing up addresses for my newsletters
email my travel agent
figure out my schedule for when I am in the states
buy plane tickets
pay bills
say goodbye to people
live my normal day to day life

This is what I just came up with off the top of my head, there is more. I have a busy week ahead of me!

And I am so excited for this trip!!! Yahoo! (Can you feel the excitement?)

Naps: Helpful or Hurtful?

I am exhausted. Today my alarm went off at 6:30am and I wanted to cry because I was so tired. But I got up, got ready, went to church, ran the sound, sat and had coffee with friends and somehow made it back home again. I sat and did some work for about an hour before I couldn't help but crawl back into bed. And I slept. And I slept. And I slept for three hours. It is now almost 6:30pm and I am barely awake. Isn't it amazing how naps sometimes leave us feeling more tired than before? I am struggling to stay awake and my plans for the evening have totally been cancelled. It is going to be an early night.

Sorry that this may be the most boring post ever, but I am too tired to come up with anything cute or witty today.

Goodnight.

Am I Cool?

Do you remember being in high school and being so completely insecure that you often wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out until you were an adult? Well, I remember it. It has been over ten years since I graduated from high school, but I still remember feeling so unimportant and completely uncool. I also remember realizing somewhere in my mid-20s that it didn't matter anymore whether other people thought I was cool or not. I was comfortable with myself and liked who I was and that is what mattered. Having said that, I have to admit that every once in awhile insecurity will creep in and I will feel completely uncool. I'll look around me and ask myself, "Am I cool?" Today I had one of those moments and here is the proof:

Hallelujah!

For the past (almost) two years I have posting blogs on a site that it completely in Thai. Sometimes I hit a wrong button and my blog disappears and I have no idea how to get it back because I cannot read Thai. I have had my Thai friends sit down and try to figure it out for me and they have all told me that there is no way to change the language. I was stuck and bitterly accepted it. Just now, I found a new button on my page and decided to click it to see what would happen. And praise the Lord, I now have English! Hallelujah!!!

Garbage

The other day I was driving my motorbike through Chiang Mai and I decided to try and find a shortcut. The old city of Chiang Mai exists inside of a moat and the new city of Chiang Mai exists for miles outside of it. The moat is beautiful to look at, especially the places where the old city walls are still standing, although crumbled.

But when it comes to driving, the moat makes me crazy. On the outside of the moat, traffic is one way and on the inside, traffic is the opposite way. So whenever I want to get somewhere in that area, I end up having to cross bridges and do u-turns. It is especially annoying when I can see where I want to go but I can't get there because of the water and the next bridge seems so far away. It is all very hard to explain, but trust me, it is very annoying. Anyway, the other day I was attempting to avoid the moat as much as possible and still get to my to my destination. So I just started turning down streets and finding new paths. I was enjoying myself because I love the sights here in Chiang Mai. I love how the old mixes in with the new. There may be an old temple that has been there for hundreds of years and next to it is a brand new hotel being built. I find it fascinating and it never ceases to amaze me. I was driving along and I turned down a street and was overcome by the smell of garbage. It was so strong that I had to hold my breath. Up ahead on my right was a mound of trash so tall that it towered over the buildings around it. People were walking and crawling through it looking for treasures that somebody else through out. I was stunned because I had never seen anything like that in Chiang Mai. The rest of the street was completely normal. The were markets and open air restaurants right next to it. Suddenly the city that I find so beautiful had a blemish. I am not sure why but the image of that street has stuck with me for the past few days. It was not the first time I have seen garbage like that or people rooting through it and yet, I can't get it out of my head. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe God directed me down that street. I have become comfortable in Chiang Mai, it is my home. Everywhere I look, I see beauty and sometimes I forget about the poverty here. I forget about the underlying evil and the hold that Satan has on this city. Sometimes I forget about all the lost souls. I drive by them every day on the way to wherever I am going and I forget to really look around me and pray for those people. That pile of trash reminded me of these things and I am glad that I saw it. Now when I drive or walk down the street, I pray for those that I pass and I pray for the city of Chiang Mai to be delivered, for a revival to happen in this place and all over the world.

It is amazing what a pile of trash can do, huh?

76% Frozen

Tonight on my way home I saw a motorbike with a home-made side car built onto the side. The motorbike had three people on it and the side car had five people in it. That is a total of eight people using a vehicle that is meant for a maximum of two people. I don't know how it was moving. Had I not been 76% frozen from the cold air rushing past me on my own motorbike, I would have tried to get a picture. One thing is for sure, those people were a lot warmer than I was...

The Artist In Me

Today I was talking to a new friend and I said something about taking pictures. She said, "Oh, are you a photographer?" I smiled, laughed a little and said, "I dream of being a photographer. I like to go out and pretend that I am a photographer but really I am just a girl with a camera." She then laughed and said, "Oh, you really love it. Your face just lit up like I haven't seen it light up before. What do you love about it?"...

What do I love about taking pictures? Everything. I love when I am driving down the road and I see something that makes me pull over because I will probably never get that shot again. I love it when I see ordinary things like gas station signs, trees, dogs, traffic lights and the way that the light is hitting them turns them into something extraordinary. I love the process of taking many shots trying to get the camera to capture exactly what my eye saw without it. I love the way people are drawn to things in pictures that they never take the time to stop and look at in regular life. I love it when I can capture someone's personality in a photo; when you look at it later and know that is exactly who they are. I love that taking pictures forces me to slow down and enjoy my life and everything in it. I love that when I look through my camera, I can say that I am an artist and actually believe myself.

And that is what I love about taking pictures.

Random Thoughts At The End Of The Day

I don't have one specific thing on my mind right now but I know that I if I don't post something today, I will hear about it from Tamara and Katie. I was told that I was not allowed to fail at this NaBloPoMo thing which means that I have to post every single day, even if I don't know what to write about.

I feel sorry for those of you that read this. Really I do. I am sorry. :)

These are my random thoughts at the end of the day:


1) My friend Machelle has introduced me to a 10pm bed time and I am starting to think that she may be the one of the smartest people on the planet. Gracie and I have been spending the night at her place a lot and we have been going to bed when she goes to bed. I wake up so much more refreshed when I go to bed at 10pm instead of my regular 2am bed time. I am going to try to apply this to my life on a more regular basis. Of course, it is already after 10pm now so I will start tomorrow.

2) Speaking of Machelle, I am thinking of moving in with her. There are many pros and cons to the move and I am not sure which list is longer. Machelle is my closest friend here and the person that keeps me sane when I feel like the chaos of my life is overtaking me. She has a wonderful house with air conditioning, a western style kitchen and hot water that runs through the pipes. Those are three precious things that my house does not have. She has two wonderful dogs whom I love and whom my dog Gracie gets along with splendidly. There are so many other great things about living there and I don't want to bore you. The downside is that the rent is more expensive than my house. If Machelle and I lived there together, I would be paying less. But, Machelle has applied for a job that may have her moving out of the country next April or May. If she leaves, I would be stuck with the rent by myself and I don't know if that is a smart move. Also, her house is a lot farther from The Centre than where I live right now. It takes me about 25 minutes on my bike to make the commute. That may not sound like a long time but it is a long time on a motor bike. The biggest draw to this move is that I would no longer be living by myself.

3) My poor dog has had a heck of a week. Last Tuesday I took her in to get spayed and then spent the whole week carrying her around and making many trips to the vet. Everything got infected and she couldn't walk and she wouldn't eat. It was not fun. Finally on Monday she perked up, started eating and started running and playing again. Yesterday I took her to the vet to get her stitches out and to get a set of vaccinations. Today she has slept all day long and is so sore from the vaccinations that she can't run or jump. Once again, I am carrying my dog everywhere. It is very sad.

4) I leave for America in 13 days.


5)I think way too much and I drive myself crazy. I wish there was a switch where I could turn my thoughts off when they get out of control. I think that sometimes I do more damage than help by thinking too much.


6) I love to read. I just finished another book this morning and I am very excited to start a new one. The other day I was reading and Machelle asked me how many books I am in the middle of. I answered truthfully that I am in the middle of four books. She said I was crazy for reading more than one book at a time. I thought that I was normal. Am I?


7) On that note, I am going to go read until I fall asleep. Actually, I have never fallen asleep while reading. When I read, I get so into the story that there is no way my mind can relax and sleep. What I am really going to do is go read until I find myself at a good stopping place, at which point I will put the book down and go to sleep.

Goodnight.

It's My Life

Today I was driving and snapped this picture of the street behind me. It's not a great picture but it is a portrayal of my life. The other day I was telling a friend that at least of few times a week I stop and look around me in awe. I can't believe that this is my life. I have been living here for two years and I am still surprised that I am here. This picture of the street is not a normal sight in California but it is a normal every day sight here in Chiang Mai.

This is my life.

How cool is that?!

What if I've changed too much?

I am going back to the states two weeks from tomorrow and I have these weird, conflicting emotions about going home that I don't know what to do with.

Most of me is extremely excited and counting down the days. For the past couple months, whenever I hear someone from home talk about their life or see pictures of people back home, my heart breaks a little. There is a part of me that wants that normal life with normal people and normal happenings so badly. So I am looking forward to being back in the states and pretending like my life is normal again for a little while. I can't wait to see my family, my friends and my dogs. I am looking forward to eating American food and being overwhelmed by the fact that I can understand almost everything being said around me. I am excited about walking into a grocery store and being able to read the signs and ingredients on bottles. I am looking forward to Doritos and Taco Bell. I am really looking forward to sleeping, alot.

But there is a small part of me that is nervous about going home and that part seems to grow a little bigger each week. It is hard to explain and it doesn't make much sense but I have a fear that I will no longer fit in, that I have been gone too long to slide back into the place where I used to belong. This life and this ministry that I am living in Thailand has changed me a lot and I worry that maybe it has changed me too much. What if I think too differently from those back home? What if I communicate differently now and we can no longer understand eachother? What if I can't remember the English word for something? What if I talk too slow out of habit and people laugh at me? What if the culture shock is just too overwhelming and I want to hide and not go outside?

What if I love it so much that I don't want to come back to Thailand?

Hope

Hope is a powerful thing.

Have you ever noticed how much it affects your day? If I wake up in the morning feeling hopeful about my day, then no matter what happens, the day will turn out pretty good. If I wake up in the morning feeling hopeless, the whole days goes downhill from there.

I have been dealing with some depression this year and it has gotten worse over the past few months. (Admitting that on this blog is really hard for me to do.) My depression has affected my sleep pattern and has caused me to have a recurring nightmare. Some nights I fight even going to sleep and force myself to stay awake because I don't want to have the dream. The problem with this dream is that I wake up from it feeling completely hopeless about life in general. I have no desire to enter my day because every part of me knows that nothing good could come out of the day after having that dream. I have no hope.

I have been seeing a counselor for a couple months now and it has really helped to talk through things with her. One of the results of having someone to talk to is that I haven't had my nightmare in a few weeks. I have been falling asleep at night and not waking up until the morning. When I wake up, I have hope that the day ahead of me could be amazing. There are endless possibilities ahead of me simply because I have hope.

Hope is a powerful thing.

*This is actually my post from yesterday that for some reason I was not able to post. I haven't failed at blogging everyday, I haven't!!! :)

Will you become bored of me one day?

Today I had lunch with my friend, Mel and somehow we got on the subject of whether or not her and her husband ever get tired of each other. They live together, they work together, they hang out together and they are almost never apart. I told her that I can't imagine being around one person that much and I might get tired of that person. She said that they don't get tired of eachother, they just love eachother and cannot get enough of eachother. I said that is really cool but I don't think that I could do it. Mel said that I just haven't found the right person yet but when I do, I won't be able to get enough of them.

That conversation led to a discussion about when I am going to get married. All the singles reading this, don't you love it when people say "When are you going to get married?" They act like we could just pick a date on the calendar and by then we will find our prince charming and be married. If it were that easy, there would be a lot more happy couples in this world. Anyway, when living in a foreign country and talking about marriage, people always ask if I want to marry a farang (foreigner, westerner) or a Thai. Sometimes I wonder if I missed an application somewhere with a box where I am supposed to check farang or Thai. Apparently I am already supposed to know the answer to this question and I just don't. If I knew who I was going to marry, this whole subject would be easier to talk about.

That question led to a discussion about the pros and cons of marrying Thais versus farangs. The biggest problem with marrying a farang while here on the mission field is that there are no single, western guys out here. I am not sure why but single men do not seem to be drawn to the mission field. The problem with marrying a Thai person is the cultural differences. I spend every day struggling to communicate with everyone around me and I can't imagine doing that with my husband.

At this point in the conversation I said, "I can't believe we have been talking about marriage for so long. What started this?" We both laughed and started talking about other things, but the question still remains in my mind: How can you spend so much time with a person and not grow tired of them?

On that note, Tamara just told me that I need to join NaBloPoMo which means that I will be blogging every single day during the November. Except for yesterday and the day before of course. Will you become bored of me?

Quest

I have spent the last three months on a quest that has taken me all over Chiang Mai. I have searched in little known areas, passed through many doorways, climbed ladders and crawled on my hands and knees all in search of one little thing. One small, little item that could easily fit into my purse and yet remains completely elusive.

What small item has taken me on this quest you ask? Well some of you know that I love to read more than almost anything in the world. A few months ago someone said that I should read the Jason Bourne books; they said I would really like them. I thought that they were probably right because I love the Bourne movies so, why not read the books. Why not?

Why not?

Why not? Well, the answer to that question is that I cannot find the first book anywhere! Today I went to six different bookstores looking for The Bourne Identity and apparently it doesn't exist anywhere in the whole world. (That may have been an exaggeration.) Over the past three months, I have searched so many bookstores and I am starting to get annoyed.

One of the things I love so much about Chiang Mai is all the used bookstores. There are so many and they are a haven for me. If I am stressed or worried or just need to escape for awhile, I go to the used bookstores. But now, for the first time in two years, they have failed me.

Why me? Why must I fail this quest?...

:)

Money Sucks

I just paid for my plane ticket home next month. It cost A LOT of money! I now have less than 100 dollars to last me the next month and my rent is due on Thursday. Oh joy! I guess this is where trusting in God comes in. :) Anyone want to pay my rent for me?

I love teaching!

The following is a conversation that I had with Tamara over Google Talk about one of my classes. I love teaching!

• me: today we were talking about names in my class and Dear asked what your full name was. i told him your middle name was Dawn and he asked if he could call you donkey as a nickname. it was Hilarious!
• Tamara: gasp!
  you told him no right?
• me: i told him yes he could call you donkey
  i love Dear
• Tamara: no!
• me: and i love you my little donkey
• Tamara: you basically are calling me an ass
• me: i know but he didn't realize that and it
  made it even funnier
• Tamara: way to teach your students to cuss
• me: i love language barriers
  you're the one whose name sounds like donkey

More on the last post

First of all, thanks Wendy and Katie for your comments. I love you both.

Wendy said that her stuff is settled in San Diego and it is the longest she has stayed anywhere. This got me thinking because I moved into a new house about eight months ago and I still haven't settled here. I have a room that I call the dungeon because it has all the stuff that I haven't unpacked yet. My bedroom has my clothes and bed in it but I haven't decorated at all. I finally put pictures and curtains up in my living room about a month ago. It is not that I don't want to settle here, it is simply that I haven't had the time to do so. Maybe if I finished the unpacking and decorating, this house would feel like a home and I would feel more settled. A have a couple free days next week that I think I will dedicate to this house.

Katie brought up the difference between being settled and being content. She mentioned that maybe I am using the wrong word when I say that I don't feel settled. Being an English teacher, I looked up the definitions of the words.

content: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

settle: 1)to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction, etc 2)to make stable; place in a permanent position or on a permanent basis 3)to quiet, calm, or bring to rest 4)to place in a desired state or in order 4)To discontinue moving and come to rest in one place

settle down: 1)To begin living a stable and orderly life 2)To become calm or composed

I feel like I am on a pretty good road toward being content. I am pretty satisfied with the life that I am living. I am not saying that I am "not wanting more or anything else" but is there anyone who can honestly say that? It is human nature to always want more than we have. I feel satisfied that I am living the life God wants me to live. I definitely fluctuate daily in how content I feel. For instance, today I want to go home. I know that God wants me here in Thailand but I am homesick and I want to go home. I don't feel happy and content with my life right now. But tomorrow I may wake up and feel completely satisfied with being in Thailand and working at The Centre and I may feel content.

I feel like I will probably be living in Thailand for a while longer. I don't know if that means two more years or ten more years or fifty more years but I know that I am not leaving yet. This leaves me feeling "fixed in a particular place" for a while at least. However, my life in no way feels "quiet or composed." I am constantly going, whether at The Centre or at church or around town. I don't slow down much. I am living in a culture where things a very different than how I grew up. Little things like not being able to buy top sheets for my bed (they only sell fitted sheets here and I miss top sheets) or not being able to get hot water from the faucet (I can't wait to take a really hot shower or even just wash my hands with hot water in a sink when I visit the states next) or not having an oven are very different than what I was used to before coming to Thailand. There are a million little things like those that make it hard to feel settled. But maybe I am looking to the wrong things to make me feel settled.

Settled or Content? I don't know which one I am longing for and maybe I am more confused now than I was yesterday. :) I do know that God is taking care of me though. And I know that if I continue to follow his plan for my life, I will end up feel both settled and content. So I continue on this path, not having any clue what is ahead, but keeping my hope in God and following his lead.

And now I head into my day with a lot on my mind. Thanks Wendy and Katie! :)

Settling

Lately a lot of people have been asking me what my plans are for the future. Every time someone asks, my mind starts spinning into a vortex of uncertainty. I have no idea what my future holds. Not only that, but I have no idea where my future is located. I love my life, but I secretly envy the people that God allows to stay in their homeland. I guess it is no longer a secret. Even when their futures seem uncertain, at least they have a relative idea of where they will be living in the future. I wish I had that. Instead I look ahead and I see a lot of questions. I long to settle somewhere and experience what that feels like. I worry that I will never be able to do that. I know that I sound like I am complaining, I'm not. I'm just talking through my thoughts with you. Do you feel settled? What makes you feel that way? I imagine that it is not just location and a job that gives the feeling of being settled. I just wish I could figure out how to get there in my present life.

Yummy Yum

Things like this you would never see on a menu in the states and they bring joy to my heart, especially number 2. Sorry it is a little blurry.

I wasn't exxagerating about the toad

In follow up to my story a few days ago about the toad in my house, here is a picture of a toad on my front step a few minutes ago. It is huge, I wasn't exaggerating about the size!

Pooped

I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. And it is only Monday...

Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh my!

So I am chatting with Tamara online and I tell her that I need to warn her about the gigantic mice living in my walls. You see, they are really loud sometimes and they sound like somebody is rummaging through the next room. I felt the need to warn Tamara because she is going to be staying with me in three weeks and I don't want her to think that there is an intruder in the house. I already warned her about the mosquito infestation in the bathroom and she knows about the geckos, lizards and enormous spiders in the house. I just want her to be prepared when she gets here. She hasn't exactly been happy about these things but they haven't freaked her out either.

So I say, "Oh, did I tell you about the toad in the kitchen?" Tamara's response was, "WHAT? I do not do toads!!" I couldn't help but laugh at her. Of all things, it is toads that she can't handle?

Recently I came home late at night and there were no lights on so it was pitch black in my house. For some reason I passed through the living room without turning on any lights and walked towards the kitchen. As soon as I stepped into the kitchen, something slimy landed on my foot. I am proud to say that I didn't freak out, I calmly reached over and turned on the kitchen light without moving my foot. I looked down and saw a toad as big as the palm of my hand sitting on my foot. I kicked it off, caught it and put it outside.

Just one more adventure here in Thailand.

Who Am I?

Random facts about me:

1) My favorite smell in the world is paper. I like the smell of any paper but my favorite is a brand new leather journal. Fresh paper with no ink mixed with a slight leather smell, but only if the leather does not overwhelm the smell of the paper. An old book is wonderful too, but really I like the smell of any paper. I have a habit of picking up books, journals and other paper products and slyly smelling them so that no one sees. Someone at The Centre found out that I like to smell paper and spread the news. Now all my students offer to let me smell their books and I love it!

2) One of my favorite things about Chiang Mai is that you can hear the rain coming. I can be sitting in my house or standing outside and I can hear the rain coming about ten seconds before it gets here. It is a beautiful sound and it makes me smile every time.

3) I am completely comfortable around people younger than me that I don't know. Whether I am with five year olds, fifteen year olds, twenty-five year olds or anything in between, I can communicate and make them comfortable. I am completely uncomfortable around older people that I don't know. Put me in a room with them and I have no idea what to say. I worry so much about what they think of me that I end up hiding in a corner by myself.

4) I am not cool. When people tell me that I am not cool, I pretend to be offended but really I love it. Nothing makes me happier than sitting down with a book and reading for hours or watching the commentaries on the Lord of The Rings movies or waiting in line for four hours to see the midnight showing of the new Harry Potter movie. There are so many other uncool things about me and I am proud of all of them.

5) I often wonder if something is socially wrong with me. I feel more at home and better about myself here in Thailand than I do back in the states. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. I worry that something is wrong with me because I don't feel so comfortable in my own country. And I worry that I am going to become one of those missionaries who visits their home country and seems completely out of place. I am afraid of not belonging there.

6) I have no idea who I am although I am on a constant quest to figure it out.

7) I hate to be called girly but I totally am. I am on a continual emotional rollercoaster. Some days I wake up feeling completely confident about myself and some days I wake up and want to hide in a closet all day so that no one can see how dumb I am. I love to feel included. I don't always want to participate in activities but I always want to be invited. I worry about what people think of me when they don't invite me. I over-analyze everything. I am a girl.

My Sunday Project

My first attempt at gardening. Now we will see how long I can keep them alive.

Moments of bravery and moments of freaking out

A few minutes ago I went outside to walk Gracie (my dog) and as I was headed back across my yard I saw something scurry across the wall. Filled with dread, I decided that I needed to check it out because otherwise I would lay in bed awake for a long time wondering what was outside my window. As I got closer I realized that it was a giant spider. Some of you have heard me talk about the giant spiders before because they are terrifying. They are the size of my hand and incredibly fast. A year ago I could not get within five feet of one without feeling like I was going to pass out from fear. Here is a picture of the spider, sorry that it is not clear but I was not going to get closer for a better picture.



I grabbed a shoe, mustered up as much courage as possible and ran at the spider and killed it. It was the fastest that I have ever killed one, they usually take at least an hour. I was so proud of myself and I had a big smile on my face as I walked through my front door. Unfortunately just as I crossed the threshold, a gecko fell off the doorframe and into my shirt. I ran into my house, screaming and tore off my shirt as fast as I could, throwing the gecko across the room. Here is a picture of the gecko for you.



It is funny how often my moments of bravery are quickly followed by moments of freaking out. Apparently pride does not suit me...

I'm Back

Back in May my computer died and it took a couple months before it started working again. Unfortunately even after my computer started working, I could not get the internet to work on it. I had someone look at it and install the needed drivers and it still would not work. I had to buy a wireless router because apparently it will only work with wireless now. As soon as I bought the router, my dsl modem stopped working and I had to get a new one of those. As soon as I got that, the network card inside my laptop stopped working and I had to buy a new external, wireless network card. All of this to say that I am now sitting in my house and using the internet on my laptop for the first time in months! Wahoooo! I am really excited! And for all of you who have emailed me wondering why I seemed to drop off the face of earth three months ago: I'M BACK!

Compliments

I love compliments from my Thai friends. They are so endearing and yet receiving them is a little like playing a game where I have to find the nice meaning behind words that might otherwise seem really awful.

Examples of compliments I received this week:

"Jen, you used to be fatter than you are now."
"Your hair looked much prettier yesterday."
"Jen, you've been looking more beautiful lately than you usually do. Why?"

I am feeling really good about myself lately, wouldn't you be?

Lessons in Life

Today I was walking through the mall after seeing a movie with friends. My three friends were talking to each other in Thai so I was people watching when suddenly it occurred to me that THIS is my life now. Me being the sole farang (non-Thai person) amongst a world of Thais. This may seem like an odd thing to say since I have been living in Thailand for over a year and a half now. You are probably thinking, "Isn't she often surrounded by Thais?" or something similar to that. And the answer is, yes I am. Every day I spend my time with Thai people and I love it. They are my family, my best friends and my students. I have spent countless hours being the sole farang in a group over the past year and a half. But today it occured to me that it is different now. Since I moved to Thailand, I have always had someone to talk to at the end of the day who comes from the same culture as me. This has been important because it is refreshing to sit down and process with someone without having to slow down my speech or watch what slang or idioms I use. I am often mentally drained by the end of the day and I need someone who understands me without explanation to listen. Today is the first day that I am on my own, without someone from my culture to talk to.

This is not a bad thing, although I am not sure that it is a great thing either. I have amazing Thai friends. I don't mean to brag but I just happen to be friends with the coolest Thai people in the world. And maybe this is an oppurtunity to spend more time with them. Maybe this is the time for me to integrate myself into the culture more. Maybe this is a chance for me to spend more time with my students. I am not sure what this period of my life is for but I know that God must have a plan.

I do have other farang friends from church, but their schedules are all different from mine and we only see each other on the weekends. The thing about doing ministry like I do at The Centre is that you have to put your whole life into it. I spend every waking moment at The Centre or hanging out with my students. So the fact that there are no more farang at The Centre and no plans for any, leaves me feeling pretty lonely and honestly, a little scared. I wonder if I can make it on my own here. And then feel guilty for wondering that because a)God is taking care of me and b)I am not on my own, I am surrounded by wonderful Thai friends. I know this but I still feel lonely.

I said goodbye to some friends yesterday as they left to go back to the states. I stood there crying as they drove away and was once again overcome by the need to shut down and stop loving so much. I see A LOT of short term volunteers come and go at The Centre and I have a hard time figuring out how much to love them. I am really good at being superficial and not letting myself care or get attached. I am also really good at loving and getting really attached. So, is it better to be lonely all the time and never feel the pain that comes when someone leaves or is better to love people and feel my heart break every someone leaves? I need to find a middle ground. This is a problem that I have been trying to figure out all year. Maybe this time of being the sole farang is for me to get attached to more people who won't be leaving Thailand. I don't know, but I do know that I am tired of saying goodbye.

I am going to look at this in a positive light and assume that this period in my life is a growing period. God is going to teach me things and change me and I know that it will be in good ways.

I realize that I am rambling and I am sorry for that. I haven't written in a while because my computer is broken and my internet has been down. I guess being able to write again left me so excited that I can't stop rambling. Fortunately for you, my computer is still broken so I probably won't write again for a little while.

Please pray for me during this time.

An Anniversary

Because I love Katie so much and I am so thankful to her for purchasing me my pro Flickr account, I have decided to follow her lead and write a post about this very special anniversary.

Today I posted some new photos on my flickr account and realized at number 503 that I had hit number 500 already. I love taking pictures, it makes me happier than most things in life. So here it is folks, number 500.



Click on the link on the right to see the rest of my photos.

You flatter me too much!

I have to start by saying that I am so sorry about the results you received from this, Wendy. I personally have never thought that you looked anything like an asian male! :)

I am flattered by my results although I am pretty positive that I look nothing like Kate Hudson!!!

Where would you go?

Today I asked my students, "If you could visit anywhere in the world for free, where would it be and why?" These were some of the answers:

"USA because my best friend lives there."
"France because I've read about it."
"China because my ancestors came from there."
"Japan because they have high technology."
"New Zealand because they have good schools."
"Miami because all the girls walk around in bikinis there."

My response: "Seriously, Miami? Out of anywhere in the world?"
His response: "Bikinis are very good."

Oh the joys of teaching English.

Recurring Movies

My new favorite movie is Arthur and the Invisibles, I watched it once yesterday and once today. I am thinking about watching it again tomorrow. Will I ever grow up? If you haven't seen it and you like adventurous kids movies, you should definitely see it. Again, will I ever grow up?

It hasn't quite beat out Life as a House which I have seen one million times and love with all my heart but it was quite good.

Do you have a movie or movies that you watch over and over and never get tired of?

June 6, 1979

Today is my 28th birthday.

A quote from one of my students:

"Jen, if you feel young in your heart, you are not as old as you really are."

Thanks. It is a good thing that I feel young in my heart, otherwise apparently I would officially be old.

The Importance of Prayer

Today I was reading Acts chapter 1 and I want to share what I learned. Verse 8 says "But you will receive the power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria and to the ends of the earth." This is the first time that they have heard about being baptized in the Holy Spirit and at the same time Jesus is giving them THE calling of all callings. Immediately after he says this, they watch him float up to heaven and be hidden by a cloud. Just before he says this he tells them to wait in Jerusalem for the gift which is the Holy Spirit. I can only imagine that they were completely overwhelmed by his words and watching him fly away. I would have been. And yet they walked down the Mount of Olives, into Jerusalem and "joined together constantly in prayer." Basically they prayed together until they received the Holy Spirit and then they went out and preached the gospel. When I read this I was struck by their patience. They were given a calling and instead of jumping right into it, they took the time to wait on the Lord and pray together. I imagine they needed this time to pray for each other and encourage each other and really become unified. If they had gone straight into the work without praying first they may not have accomplished so much. This is a big lesson for me because I tend to be impatient. If I am told to do something, I just want to do it. But it is so important to stop and pray first and wait for the right timing. And if there is a team of people involved, it is so important to be unified before starting a project or calling. They "joined together constantly in prayer." Think about it.

There is so much more that I want to say on this but I have to sign off and I don't want to bore you! Read Acts, there is so much to learn in there!

Who Me? A teacher? Impossible!

For pretty much my whole life I have wanted to be a teacher of the bible. I used to sit in church as a child and wish with all my heart that when I grew up I could teach the bible like my dad did. He would stand up there on stage preaching and every face would be turned towards him, every ear listening to what he said, every heart taking in the truths of his words. It amazed me and it was a gift that I wanted. But as I got older it became clear that it was not a gift I naturally possessed. When I stood on stage my knees started to shake and my heart would race. Nobody listened to what I had to say because my mouth would glue itself closed and I couldn't get any words out. Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was not going to be a preacher and I learned to love being behind the scenes. But I have to admit that deep in my heart I never stopped yearning to be able to teach the bible in a real way. Recently God spoke to me and told me that one day he would give me the gift of teaching. I kind of laughed it off and tucked the words away inside knowing that I could never be a teacher of the bible. Well, laughing off God's words is never really a good idea. He doesn't give up that easily. And now over and over again, he has been affirming his words. I spoke to the students a couple weeks ago at a party and I wasn't overcome by nervousness like I normally am. I have been learning amazing things while reading my bible and sharing them with people at church or The Centre or my small group. At times I am overcome by the need to share what God is teaching me and when I do, I am teaching others. It is so cool when I share something from the bible with someone and the next day or the next week they come back and tell me that they were touched by my words and are still thinking about them. God is going to make me a teacher one day and I am excited! Pray for me.

2nd post of the day. This one is a bit happier.

Do you ever feel like your life is missing something? Do you ever feel like you are running in circles? For a while the circles are okay because life is good and you don't realize that there is so much more. Then one day you do realize there is more and suddenly you are on a journey.

I am on a journey right now, a journey of faith. I have been studying about the Holy Spirit lately and I've realized that my faith is so small. There is so much more to God and a life of faith than I've ever realized. I have never claimed to know everything or even a lot but I was pretty settled in what I knew about God. I was content to run in circles and live out my faith as I always had.

I realize I'm rambling, but bear with me, I promise that I have a point.

You see, I have realized that I've kept my faith in a nice, neat little box. That was okay because I love God and I'm letting him use me. But now, through my studies about the Holy Spirit, I know that there is so much more to God and my future in him than what I have allowed in that nice, neat little box. I am on a journey of discovery. I want to know the Holy Spirit more intimately. I want to understand the gifts of the Spirit instead of wanting to run away when I hear people talking about them. In fact, I want the gifts of the Spirit for myself. I want to speak to God in a heavenly language when I don't know what to say in my own language. A couple months ago someone prophecied over me and what he said about my life seemed impossible at the time. Maybe now I am starting to understand the prophecy.

I realize that I am still rambling and I am not so sure that I have a point anymore, but keep reading anyway.

Recently I was talked to Mel and Nathan about this journey I am on. I told them that I am excited about the new things I am discovering about God and myself but I am scared about changing and growing in my faith too drastically. I am afraid of going back to the states one day and being too different from my family and friends. Not because they are not growing but because we are growing in different ways. I am afraid of becoming one of those weird Christians who has lived in a foreign culture for so long that they can't relate to anyone in their own culture anymore. I am afraid of growing out of the box that has been my faith up until now. In response to me, Nathan had some wise words. He said, "You can't think of it as growing out of your faith, you have to think of it as growing in your faith. And what could be wrong with that?"

What could be wrong with that? Nothing.

Angry

Today I am angry. Actually it is not just today, it started on Friday and has been progressively getting worse. I am not sure what is causing my anger but it is driving me crazy. There is a boulder of fury sitting in my stomach that just keeps growing. I can feel it expanding and if it doesn't stop, I might explode. I want to scream or throw something but I know that won't help me. So instead I sit here attempting to appear calm and trying not to bite the heads off everyone who comes near me.

What causes anger like this? And what part of me is so weak that I allow it to take over and control me? The person that I am at this moment is not the person that God wants to use today to do his work. I need to stop being angry. I need to go pray now.

Praising God is cool!

This morning I was running the sound board at church. I have gotten comfortable enough with the process that I am able to really worship God and still pay attention to the sound system. I was standing there singing with my eyes closed and my hands lifted when suddenly I noticed that it had gotten extremely loud in the Sanctuary. I opened my eyes, put my hands down and looked at the sound board to figure out what had happened when I suddenly realized that the loudness was not coming from the sound system at all. It was coming from the people in the church. They were singing and worshiping so loudly that the walls were shaking. It was very cool! I closed my eyes, put my hands up and joined in.

"How great is our God.
Sing with me, how great is our God.
And all will see, how great, how great is our God!"

My Broken Heart

My camera is broken. I love my camera. It got smashed and the lenses fell out. I tried to revive it but was unable to do so. It broke my heart.

Tonight someone poisoned some of the stray dogs that live on the street where The Centre is located. I came back after dinner to dogs dying in the street. I stood there and watched and there was nothing I could do to help them. It really broke my heart.

And it is still raining.

Only five more months of this

The rainy season started early this year. It's been raining for days. A battle rages in me about whether I love or hate the rain. I love falling asleep to the sound of rolling thunder at night. I love curling up on the couch and reading a book to the sound of pouring rain. I love the lightening that is so big it is almost like the sun shines again for a moment in the middle of the night. I hate that my roof is leaking directly over my bed. I hate that my fingers and toes look like raisins by the time I arrive anywhere on my motorcycle. I hate having to drive really slow because the rain in coming down so hard that I can barely see through the visor on my helmet. I hate that I never seem to dry out. And there are five more months of this.

I love moms

Wor's mom came to Chiang Mai yesterday to spend a couple days here. Let me just say that I love Wor's mom, she is really cool. I was out to dinner last night with some students and while walking back to The Centre, mom jumped out from behind a wall and threw her arms around me. Wor said that she had been waiting to surprise me and was really excited to see me. She doesn't speak English and I don't speak Thai but somehow we always manage to communicate. When I said goodbye to her last night, she gave me two hugs and two kisses. Today I went to Wor's house to talk to her because I was having a bad day and needed someone to talk to. As soon as mom saw me she ran out and gave me a hug and a kiss and then upon seeing that I was frustrated, taught me to breathe deeply and do a little dance to relieve stress. It was great. When I left she told that she loved me (in English) and gave me another hug and kiss.

This may not seem like a big deal but I live on the other side of the world from my mom and I miss her a ton. I don't get kissed and hugged by a mom often so this made my week. It made me miss my mom even more but I wouldn't trade the hugs and kisses for anything. I love moms.

Surface level or deep?

When I first came to Thailand (almost a year and a half ago) I remember getting annoyed when I would talk to people back home. Because I live on the other side of the world, phone calls are seldom made and when they were the conversations would be all about the deep things in life. I remember longing to hear about the little things, like what a person had for lunch or that they yelled at someone on the freeway. I wanted to feel like I was still a part of my friend's and family's daily lives.

Lately I have been getting annoyed about the exact opposite thing. I am noticing that my phone conversations with people are full of surface level things and nothing deep. I still love hearing about what a person had for lunch but I also want to hear about their heart and what they are feeling about life and God. I want to feel like I am still important to my friends and family and more than just an acquaintance.

I have been thinking about it this past week and I have come to a bit of a conclusion. I have no right to get annoyed with people for not sharing their lives with me in the same way they did when I lived in the states. After all, I am the one who picked up and left. I am the one who has changed cultures and made it hard to talk to at times. I am the one who has trouble sharing about my life in Thailand in a way that people can understand and be interested in. I am the one who has changed in weird and unfamiliar ways.

So, I am sorry if I have ever been annoyed with you for not giving me what I wanted. Please forgive me. But please also understand that sometimes living here can be extremely lonely and sometimes all I want to do is pack up and go back home to be with you again so that we can share the surface level and the deep things in life. I miss you.

And I look forward the future conversations, whether they be surface level or deep, I will cherish them all.

Not Giving Up

"Let us not become weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people..." Galations 6:9-10

Sweatie or Sweetie?

My family has this on-going joke which is really the rest of us making fun of mom. You see, mom is not a great speller and whenever she writes dad notes, the word "sweetie" comes out "sweatie." It is pretty funny but, it may be one of those "you had to be there" things.

Anyway, the topic of the day is sweat. Today it reached well above 100 degrees here in Chiang Mai. We at The Centre are fantastic at picking the hottest day of the season for our big "Sport's Day." There were about fifty people running around, playing sports and sweating profusely. Gross.

Afterwards I was helping out a friend with a task that involved me driving my motorbike for about an hour straight. No big deal, right? Wrong. By the time I parked and took my helmet off, my hair was so wet with sweat that I was actually able to squeeze sweat out of it. I won't even go into the state of my clothes. Disgusting.

I hate sweat.

Koh Tao

Last week was the Songkran Festival in Thailand. Chiang Mai celebrates this festival by having a huge water fight all around the city for a week. You cannot go out during the week without getting doused by water. The Centre closes down during this festival because students would rather be playing in the water than coming to class.

I took this opportunity to take a vacation and went to Koh Tao for a week. Koh Tao (translation:Turtle Island) is a small island in the Gulf of Thailand where you can stay in bungalows for ten dollars a night and do nothing but relax. It was fantastic. I swam in the ocean, laid on the beach and read books. It was wonderful. My ideal vacation is finding a place where I can sit and read without feeling like I should be doing something else, so this was the perfect vacation for me. I had a great time. I posted pictures of the island on my flickr account, check them out.

The World's Truest, Most Wonderful, Actual Greatest Friends

The two greatest friends in the world. How did I get so lucky? It is almost as if I won a lottery with God...

No dashing.

No secrets.

No burning.

No pieces.

Only spitting, slapping and loving.

Lots of loving.

The World's Greatest Friend

A true friend is someone who stands firm and lets you throw yogurt at their face and then rub it in.

Healings

I don't really understand instantaneous healings. I grew up in a church where people were healed through prayer. I am now living in a country where miraculous and instantaneous healings are common. I have seen so many since I moved here and yet I can't get used to it. I can't wrap my head around it, it's distracting and frankly it makes me a little uncomfortable. I think the problem is that I just don't really understand it. I don't understand how a group of fifty people can all fall on the ground and suddenly be healed by one person's shouting. I don't understand how hitting someone hard on the forehead and causing them to fall over is going to heal the sickness in their body. And yet I have seen people appear to be healed. I don't believe it's fake, I just don't know how to understand it.

I asked Nathan and Paul their thoughts on this subject last night. I asked why healings are so common in parts of the world and yet not so common in America or England (their home). Nathan suggested that God works in different ways in different parts of the world according to what will be accepted and cause people to accept him. I thought this was an interesting thought and have thought about it a little more. In our homelands, healings are explained away by science or hidden away so that others won't judge. In Thailand, healings are accepted as the power of the Holy Spirit working in a person's lives and hundreds of people accept Jesus because of them. I like the idea that I worship a God who is smart enough to change his tactics according the land and the people.

I still personally struggle with this subject though and don't know where to go from here. Any thoughts?

Why I Love Chiang Mai

I just emailed a friend (Krissy) that I haven't talked to in awhile and tried to explain why I love Chiang Mai so much. People are always asking me this question and this may not be the best description but hopefully it shows a bit of my feelings.

My life in Thailand is incredible. It is completely impossible for me to explain in words but I will try. Chiang Mai is the second biggest city in Thailand and is absolutely beautiful. The old city is surrounded by a moat filled with water and on the inside of the moat parts of the old city wall are still standing, though crumbled. Chiang Mai is home to Doi Suthep which is a mountain famous because it holds the Royal Family's winter palace. The entire city is green; trees, plants and flowers everywhere. It is littered with the most ornate temples I have ever seen, hundreds of them, one on almost every corner. I guess that it is not really beautiful in the normal sense, sometimes when I stop to really look, it reminds me of Tijuana. It has that poor, third world look to it, but I still find it beautiful. It is amazing to live in a place where I can stand in the middle of a crowded market and not hear one word of English, where everyone around me has dark skin and black hair. I eat most of my meals from vendors on the side of the street and I shop in open air markets where I barter for a good price. I frequent the same places enough that if I don't show up for a couple days, the owners ask if I am okay. It makes me smile every time. I eat noodles and rice for every meal and the most amazing fruit and vegetables that I have never even seen or heard of in the states. I drive a motor bike on the wrong side of the road. I wash my clothes and hang them up to dry on a clothes line. I speak really slow English or really bad Thai. And I laugh a lot. I have amazing friends and I struggle to communicate with them every day but it just makes me love them more. I am challenged every day to stop thinking about myself and share my faith with those around me because otherwise, why am here? I am truly and completely happy here.

By the way, I posted some new photos on my Flickr account. Some of them are of my bungee jumping experience this past week. :)

Content or Bored?

Do you ever find yourself coasting through life completely content? Do you find yourself happy and when you look back at the end of each day, you realize that you laughed a lot and have some pretty incredible friends? Life is good and you have a lot to be thankful for, more than most people you know. And yet, after a while of feeling content you start forgetting to be thankful to the One who deserves the thanks. You grow so comfortable that you forget to spend any one on one time with the One who has given you this happiness. You grow bored reading His words simply because you are too focused on yourself and how life makes you feel.

I found myself in this place last week and am now working on pulling myself out of it. It has become very apparent to me that I have the ability to break God's heart and that is the last thing that I want to do. After all, He is the one who has blessed me with this incredible life and journey that I am on, I never could have gotten here on my own. I need to figure out how to be completely happy and still rely on God like I do when life is falling apart. Pray for me.

The person that I long to be versus the person that I am

I long to be a strong woman who can take care of herself and never cries or shows pain, but I am not.

Yesterday after church I went to the hospital to take care of a problem with my foot and walked out later with a pretty large hole in the bottom of my foot. I thought that I was pretty tough because it didn't hurt and I never even cried during the procedure. An hour later when the numbness wore off, I was no longer that tough, strong woman that I long to be. But I went to help I friend move anyway and tried to push through the pain. Unfortunately I overdid it, tripped and smashed my finger extremely badly. Within seconds it was four times the normal size and dark purple. I have to give myself credit though because I still didn't cry. I did shake quite a bit though. Today my finger is still twice its normal size and I can't bend it all the way. Maybe it is broken.

I wish that I was stronger.

I also long to be the kind of women who can take care of herself and do things like fix cars and build stuff, but I'm not.

On Saturday I accidentally locked the spare bedroom door in my house and closed it. I tried to be like Tamara (who is like MacGuyver) and pick the lock with bobby pins, but after thirty minutes of trying I gave up and called Nathan and Paul to come help me. They came over and had the door open within minutes, thanks to Nathan's long arms. Yesterday (Sunday) after the foot surgery and the finger smashing, I could not drive my motor bike home so Nathan had to drive me. While he and Paul were there, I talked them into helping me move some furniture. Tonight Nathan is coming over to help me hook up my washing machine because I have failed to figure it out on my own. Thank goodness I have people around to take care of me.

I wish that I was stronger

This is Tamara

This is Tam. Just wanted to tell you all to check out Jenni's new Flickr Photo Badge! If you click on it it will send you directly to her photo blog. I have also added a pic for her profile...
I straight up pimped her page yo! (in less gangster terms, I fixed her page up a bit and added a few fun little doo-dads.)
peace.
Tam